RIP Bad Daddy

I was 10 years old when I met Mike Kowalski, back then we called him Squeezel but we wouldn't really have a friendship for a couple more years.  We were seasonal campers at Brialee Campground in Ashford. When you are a seasonal camper, a club is formed so to speak. All the kids that are there week after week obviously become close and friendships are formed. We would always make fun of the "weekenders". Those were the kids just coming for one weekend and not cool like us kids. 

Mike was always larger than life. He was loud. He smoked, he drank. He always had girls flocking around him. Whether it be at the basketball court, game room, the pool or table rock. Where Mike was, so was a crowd.  He would get in trouble a lot.  Always getting in to something. I remember him coming by our site once a week to get the garbage. Mike, always the hustler scored himself a little part time job to make a little cash by working for the owner and grabbing the garbage. He would chat with my dad and say hi to me, He was three years older and at that time the age difference was big so he didn't pay a ton of attention to me, but he was always nice.

My last season at Brialee I was 12 years old and Mike was seeing me more as a young woman then a little girl. He was flirty and fun and we hung out more. I mean I am 12, not much going on people so don't get weird. He had plenty of girls his own age lol.  That was an amazing summer. We had our Louisiana friends who were living there, and all the folks from CT towns, and so many from Bristol where Mike is from.  We had luau's and bbq's and just had a blast. I have so many fun memories with Mike.  On my last day at Brialee I went to say by to him and he said later girl.  He didn't know I was never coming back as my parents didn't plan to return for another season. I was walking away and suddenly i got swung around, and Squeezel gave me a big ol kiss on the lips.  It wasn't some passionate thing or anything like that. I was a little kid.  What he didn't know was it just happened to be my first kiss.  We didn't have facebook , or cells or texting or email or any of that crap back then so when I left Brialee that day I never expected to see him again but I always remembered him with a smile.

Years passed, we became adults.  I went on to become a mom and live my life and one day on Facebook I saw the name Mike Kowalski and thought, no way, can't be, but I had already started finding so many other old Brialee friends and he had the same friends so I knew it was him. I friend requested him and we chatted for a really long time. I caught up on his life.  He told me how he met his wife at a really young age and he became an instant dad to his amazing daughter, Krysty. He explained she might not be mine by blood but she's my daughter and anyone who tries to say different will get their ass beat. He then had his daughter, Brianna who is the spitting image of him and so much like him. He told me it scares the hell out of me cuz I want her to do better than me.  He was so proud of the life he created. He adored his pets, Oreo and Peanut the pibbles with the wiggles and his 4 cats, and of course the bikes.  His passion for riding can't be measured, and the icing on the cake is that his Hot Wifey as he called her rode with him as well and as he would always say she rides better than most dudes I know. I shared my story and he was so kind and caring. Mike came back into my life right after I had my surgery so his support was beyond amazing. 

Mike was extremely intelligent and well spoken. He was a mechanic and not just a mechanic but the best mechanic I have ever seen. That dude could fix anything.  He had a very hard head and wasn't necessarily open to anyone challenging his opinion, but I quickly learned how to get around that.  When I was at my lowest and struggling it was Mike who with the love and support of his wife opened their home to me so that I could get back on my feet.  I went from friends to family in a blink of an eye. It was an amazing summer. I dubbed him bad daddy cuz he adopted my dog, Roscoe as his own and that's what we would call him to Roscoe. The family all got on board on day one.  They included me in their life. I wasn't just a roommate. I was welcomed into the delivery room when Brianna's daughter, Kyla was born.  This is a family who loves hard and is there no matter what is happening.

So when it was time for me to move back out on my own, I was sad to leave but knew that it was the right thing to do. It didn't change our friendship. He was always checking on me even though he knew I had Brian here. He worried. Always worrying about something. Some thought his cranky, aggressive behavior was "Crazy Mike" being an asshole. It wasn't.  That's how he showed he cared. He always wanted better for the people he loved and himself. He was unable to express that so it came out as frustration.

A week ago today, I stopped by his work with a coffee and to chat for a few.  He was in really good spirits. Things were going well at home and he looked happy.  I didn't stay long, but when I left I said later gator and he said Love ya toots. Those would be the last words I would ever hear. I can't express how grateful I am that his stupid fire stick broke and that I had to stop by there to get the money to get it fixed. I am blessed with one last happy memory.

On Sunday, May 21st, I received a horrible call from his loving wife, and at her request, rushed to the hospital to be with her.  I said my goodbyes and since that day Dawn, Krysty, Bri and I have been working like a Bad Daddy Super Team to make sure we do everything he would want us to do.  He knows we will grieve but he wants us to keep moving forward and I am sure he is proud of how we are sticking together and taking care of each other. 


Bad Daddy I will never forget how quickly you came in to my life and a little over a year later you are gone, but you will always be with me. I see the signs. I pay attention. Dawn and the girls will be fine. She is a rock and she is honoring your memory by doing what you would want her to do and staying strong.  It was too soon. It's not right and I will never understand the reason why but you are at peace and you can now take care of all the ones you love without the constraints on earth.  

I love you. I am so grateful I found you again and that we connected like no time has passed.  Dawn and the girls and I will be just fine. We will stick together because that's what you would want.

Until we meet again.

You really can't understand

135 lbs and 15 months later my life is so very very different.  I have watched the weight melt off me and my life change in so many ways.  The reason I was inspired to write about it today was because I need folks to understand what it does to a person's mind and soul in addition to their body.  

The beautiful thing is that my true friends don't see me any different. They never cared how big I was and never thought I was limited.  Well they were wrong and that's ok. I am writing this because if you have never been morbidly obese you can't possibly understand the stigma. You don't see me different because you love me but that's not how the world in general works.  

In the past couple of days not one, not two, but three of my friends said that it's not how I look that stopped me but what I put out there. They are not totally wrong, my attitude and insecurity was definitely a factor, but the reality is people treat obese people differently. They just do.  

When I was 320 lbs people didn't hold doors for me or say hello in lines. Maybe once in a blue moon, but it was not the norm.  When I went out on the town with my friends, men didn't look at me, they certainly didn't talk to me and in some cases they would get annoyed when my very round body was just trying to "belly up" to the bar for a drink. I was always appalled at how the opposite sex seemed disgusted by my presence at time.  I never pushed myself on a dude. I am not blind I could see if someone was willing to talk to me or not, so why be rude or make comments that are just hurtful? Why did my round body offend you so bad? I didn't try and sit on your lap or eat your cheeseburger.

An acquaintance of mine said the other day, that my  new life isn't what made me happy.  You couldn't be anymore wrong which is one of a whole host of reasons that we aren't really friends anymore (insert lol here).  My weight loss is the vehicle for my absolute happiness.  I am free of the physcial limitations and pain. I am free of the disgusted looks from people who I don't even know who would look at whatever I was eating at a bar or restaurant like they are the food police. I truly tried not to care about what people think and in most cases a big FU is what I thought, but it still infiltrates your core and leaves a mark.

I am free and have never lived more in my life.  One of my best friends who is my champion, calls me out when I am wrong, she supports me when I am right and she makes me look at things from a broader perspective and I love her for that. She will never truly understand what this journey has done inside my head and how it has opened my eyes to how superficial people can be, but what she taught me was what is more important is how I handle the changes and I didn't always do my best, but I keep pushing along and for that I am grateful. She is not a "yes" woman and this past year I needed that more than ever.

For all of you regular sized people, who have never been so big that people literally are repulsed by you, you can't possibly understand. I can't understand what it is to be blind or deaf or lose a limb, anymore than you can understand what is to be a woman and 320 lbs.  I can say this because I have been on both sides of this spectrum now.  No not everyone or everything is related to the size of my body, but I need folks to know that it is more than not. That's just the sad truth about humans and what we have been conditioned to see as acceptable and not.

I am grateful for the people who have stood by me through my changes physically and mentally. My confidence replacing my insecurity.  I am truly blessed with the most amazing friends in the world and in the past year rid myself of those who weren't really there for me at all. I have wonderful, supportive family and even a great network of co-workers who all support me and with that love and support comes tough love which everyone can use sometimes.

In closing, just know that everyone is going through something and although it may look seamless on the outside or "easy",  it isn't and although for me it looks like I have succeeded and my journey is complete, it is actually something that will go on for years to come. When you spent over 35 years as morbidly obese, the mentality doesn't disappear overnight. It's an ongoing challenge.

Thank you to all my friends, family and co-workers for the ongoing support.  I may not always seem receptive but trust me, I am always listening.

2016- The Year of Me

My best friend in the world said to me recently that the world doesn't revolve around Tamyra. Say What?

But in all seriousness, I do know it doesn't revolve around me, but this year has been pretty big for me as anyone who has seen me can gather. 


It was the year I took back my life. On January 26, 2016 I had my weight loss surgery. Literally the best decision of my adult life.  I went from over 300lbs to 190lbs with more work to be done.  It was the catalyst to the hundreds of changes that came my way since. I knew my appearance and health would change, but I had always said I would not.  

I lied.  Well I didn't lie. I made a prediction without the knowledge of what would actually happen.  When you are obese most of your life, you can't possibly comprehend how your attitude, outlook and decision making may change. 

I am a different person, but I feel like it's the real me and the person I was destined to be.  It opened my eyes in so many ways.  I have talked about this at length so I won't rehash it but it was the biggest change in my 2016.  

So many of my friends on social media are so eager to kick 2016 to the curb and have had a very different year than me. 2016 will go down as the best year for me since the birth of my son 20 years ago.  I will look back at 2016 fondly and with a smile for the rest of my life.

2016 brought change in other ways. I spent the better part of 8 years with a group of people I called family. They were my family. They got me through the toughest times in my life. They supported me through the good times and bad. I supported them 100% through weddings, anniversaries, injuries, deaths and birth.  It was an amazing experience that I will always be grateful for, but all good things come to an end and my time has ended. It doesn't matter the reasons it is just over.  The end came with my new beginning and that is not a coincidence.  

The older I get, the loss of friends and family occurs a little more frequent than I would like.  A childhood friend taken suddenly leaving two beautiful children behind. Her smile was infectious and her heart bigger than the moon. We miss you Tara.  The colorful Carl left us this year.  The good time guy who loved beer as much as his friends and was always there when called. His loss has been hard on many I know and his laugh and sense of humor are missed.  Guy was an amazing son, husband, father and papa.  His death was a huge loss to his family, but now he is with his son who he never quit got over losing not that long ago.  Dom will make him proud like he always has.  

Grudges. I will not keep them. It does no good. Life is too short. I am happy to have reconnected with an old friend before 2016 ended.  Her absence has been felt through most of 2016 so I am hopeful 2017 will be different.  

I am not lonely anymore. I don't talk alot about what goes on in my love life these days, because I have learned some things don't need to be "posted".  I am happy and enjoying life and that's all that needs to be said.  

And as always, my son continues to make me proud and pave his way to an amazing career and future. There are no words to express these feelings. So I will just leave this here:

2016 will go down in the record books for me as one of the best yet. I am eager to see what 2017 holds. Happy New Year Everyone. Be safe, be kind and remember that tomorrow is not a promise it's a gift.

Motivational Monday-Be True To You

It's Motivational Monday and today I am highlighting perspective. High school was a tough time for me. I was not popular and I was bullied quite a bit before bullying was really a focal point. I was called fat and was so self conscious of myself. I weighed 145lbs in this pic yet in my mind I was a monster. Then I ballooned up to 320 as you see in pic #2 and i was pretty happy with my life and my friends but still trapped in a body I was not happy with even though i had all the love and support in the world. Finally the 3rd pic shows the real me. The person I always knew i could be. I may not be 145lbs. But at 185 i am more confident and comfortable in my skin. I think my smile reflects my inner self. Never give up. Be true to yourself and if that means you are happy at 145, 320 or 185 it's ok. Just be true to you. Happy Monday folks. Let it snow!

Left or Right we are all Americans

I do not discuss politics.  My views put me on both sides of the line so I don't affiliate with either side.  I also don't judge those whose views are so far on the opposite side of the spectrum as mine. We live in a country that is supposed to support opinion, diversity and basic human rights.  I decided to write this today to not talk about the political issues but to voice my opinion on how many Americans are expressing their opinions and how detrimental it is to relationships and this country.

Social Media is a blessing and also a curse. It allows us to share information in real time and keep a discussion or issue at the forefront without delay. It also provides a forum for people to hide behind a keyboard and spew off words that for many would never be uttered in a face to face meeting.  It allows anyone to post anything true or not and dependent upon where your loyalty lies you choose to believe it without thinking for a second maybe I should fact check this piece of info before I send it.  The phony websites that post "news" that caters to their political party or belief system have grown at such a rate that Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg has no option but to start considering how to stop the phony baloney news articles running rampant on the net.  USA Today Article on Facebook phony news

It is beyond my comprehension why any of my friends would willy nilly repost an article without taking two seconds to verify its validity. If you are only finding this article on one news outlet that you have never even heard of how can you possibly be sure it is legit?  I am not blind to the fact that there are national networks catering to one political party or another, but at the end of the day it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out if something is true or not.  Be responsible in what you post so that you don't look ignorant.

Opinions matter. Yours, mine and ours.  STOP bashing the left. STOP bashing the right.  If you are entitled to your opinion andI am entitled to mine. It blows my mind that people will block, unfriend, attack their friends and family over political positions.  Without both sides there is no democracy, there is no choice. There is no America.  We have a lot of work on both sides of the spectrum. Change is needed but the attacks on each other are just insane, unnecessary and quite honestly useless.  Unfriending your friend of 20 years because they voted for Hilary is asinine.  Blocking your brother because he voted for Trump? There are way better reasons to block your brother I am sure.  Like that time he screwed your girlfriend or drank the last beer. But over who he voted for? That's just plain silly.  We live in a country that promotes freedom of speech and the right to vote. Respect both in a respectful way people.

Lastly, this is the most "political" I am gonna get  so here goes.  Trump won. So Hilary supporters need to get over it and start taking actions to support the issues that matter to you that you feel will not be addressed in this administration.  Protesting will not change who our President-Elect is.  Moving to Canada does nothing to change that Trump takes office in January.  If you want change, join a cause that means something to you. Be active in your community and in your government. Keyboard warriors and meme makers will not bring change.  

Trump supporters. He won! Congratulations. Stop bashing the other side and gloating and taunting those you know from the other spectrum.  We need to be a nation that is not divided and being on the winning side, you need to foster that unity through positive change not through continual negativity.  What does it prove? The "I told you so" period has passed and always remember if you push the envelope of negativity, karma will always find a way to level the playing field.

I didn't want either candidate honestly. I am unsure that either can do for this country what we need, but I am eager to see what he will do because we all agree we need CHANGE.

So in closing. You actually CAN be civil to each other regardless of your political position. You can be respectful of all Americans even if you disagree with them. You can fact check your information before misinforming your friends and family with regurgitated garbage from a basement dwelling keyboard warrior who is just trying to get traffic to his crappy website. 

You know who has the power to make America great again? YOU. So do it.

The things they don't tell you when you have weight loss surgery

It's no secret I had weight loss surgery. I have shared this journey with everyone and anyone who was remotely interested. Some people keep it hidden or fabricate their story. I don't judge. It's a personal decision and I have learned that some people frown upon it so I get that for some it's easier to keep it a secret. Not me.  I am an open book. 

I prepped and prepped for this surgery for almost an entire year. I did all the things I was supposed to. I was poked, prodded, scanned, gave more blood than Bella did to Edward and I worked to achieve my goal. 

I have had nothing but love and support from my friends since day 1 and to the few that didn't last with me on this ride, oh well that's your loss for sure not mine.  So what is this blog about?  It's about the things I didn't prep for. The things I didn't expect and the truth at how unprepared I was emotionally for what was about to happen,  

DISCLAIMER* What am I about to write isn't a complaint. I am grateful for the weight I lost and how I look and how I feel. I don't wanna come off like oh Poor Tamyra and her first world problems. I am sharing this in the hopes that someone else who goes through it can see they are not alone cuz right now I am feeling pretty alone.

Ok back to business.  What I wasn't prepared for was how my appearance and newly found self confidence would appear to the outside world. Specifically men.  I was 320lbs and surrounded by men all the time. Men who are like brothers, or friends and a couple who were more.  But now as I sit comfortably in my new body I find that people treat me different.  I remember being the biggest girl in the room and completely invisible and thinking how nothing can feel so awful.  I was wrong. Since the new me has arrived on the scene I have dated and it has been pretty much nothing less than a shit show since day 1. Yes I used the word shit show. Why? Because I was not prepared for how men perceive me now.  Before, it was my personality and maybe my face that attracted men. I spent the better part of the last 20 years in committed relationships. I have no idea what it is like to be single and not obese.  The things that men have said to me in an attempt " to get some" aren't as mind boggling as some of the men who said them. Men I know. Men I trusted and men I saw in a very different light prior to my surgery. Apparently, when you are in the friend zone you are protected from some of the truth behind a man's personality or desires.  I never saw that side of them. I wish I never did.  Married men, men who want nothing but a one night stand, men who want to dominate, men who don't respect women and are quite open about it. This is what I am dealing with. This is normal I guess in dating or is it?  The problem is, I am not prepared. I am off my game. I don't feel like I have the radar up to warn me when there is a douche bag preying on the new me. 

I am tired of feeling like I am doing something wrong. I don't dress slutty. I don't talk that way. I don't slink around flirting with every man I see. In fact, I barely flirt at all. Is me being the same me at 320lbs not going to work at 190lbs? Does my humor and smile say something different then it did when I had 2 chins instead of one?  Can anyone tell me? 

I have had a rough couple of days and I feel like its self inflicted and I need to figure out why and how to fix it.  i am tired of feeling alone and crying.  I am a good woman who someday would like to find a good man but in the meantime I am just being me and enjoying my new life.  

They encourage people who have my surgery to go to therapy. I did two years of it before surgery so didn't think it was necessary. Well maybe I am wrong. I don't know. I haven't decided yet. I am sharing this so that other women and men who make the choice to improve their health and life know that while 90% of what goes on after surgery is amazing and I regret nothing, there are consequences. There is a down side.  Now I just need to figure out how to live with the new me and the people that see me differently.'

Thanks for reading.

What I have learned at 199lbs

Yesterday was a milestone for me. I had bariatric sleeve surgery on January 26, 2016.  When I walked in to the hospital that day I weighed 281 lbs.  I had started the journey 9 months before at a whopping 320 lbs.  I stepped on to the scale yesterday and there I saw it. 199.4 lbs.  I actually got off and got on the scale twice just to be sure. So since I decided it was time to take back my life I have lost 121 lbs. 

Here's what else I lost. A friend of over 20 years without any explanation as to why.  It's happened before so why I was surprised or why I expel any energy towards the situation is beyond me. I guess not knowing the reason is a motivator for feeling that way.  I lost many insecurities. I lost fear of rejection. I lost that self loathing feeling every time I looked in the mirror or was rejected by someone for any reason. 

Here's what I gained.  Confidence, my smile has returned, my health, a pain free life and a clear vision of who my true friends and supporters are.

Here's what I have learned thus far.  Contrary to what I thought, my relationship issues were only partially driven by my weight. I have lost 100 lbs yet I still find myself wanting the wrong ones and devoting more time to them than I should. However, with my newly found self confidence, I waste less time figuring this out and I move on.  That's a huge difference.  I still make bad choices. I don't know if that will ever go away but what I realize now that although my outside may have dictated who was attracted to me and what I would tolerate as a person, it's my inside that still needs work. I deserve better. I know this and someday it will happen.

Weight loss doesn't fix everything but it does improve your health, state of mind and outlook on life. It improves the quality of your life. It changes how you think, how you feel and how you carry yourself everyday. Just like money can't solve all your problems, neither does weight loss.  I legit thought I would find happiness much quicker because I was thinner. I am wrong and that's OK. I have lots to learn still and will keep learning.

I have about another 50 lbs to go and I will be at my goal I think. That's where my focus will continue to be. No longer worrying about what this boy thinks or that boy said.  The right one will find me. I'm no longer looking.  

Lastly, the one thing I didn't see coming through all this was the reactions from people who said I helped motivate or inspire them to take control of their weight. That is a bonus I could have never predicted. I chose to share the journey from fat to fit in order to keep myself in check and accountable. I didn't ever think it would affect others in a positive manner. I can honestly say that is probably the icing on the cake that I can't eat unless it's sugar free.  

Thank you to each and everyone of you who have supported me and contacted me and helped me. There are too many to mention and you know who you are. 

If you have a goal, stick to it. The feeling is amazing when you start to see it happen.

What a difference a year makes

Well, well, well.  It has been quite awhile since I have written a blog. In fact, took me a half an hour just to get back into my account.  Shame on me.

For the most part, the people who read this also follow me on Facebook so what I am writing about is not a shocker. My life has changed dramatically in the past year but more so in the past 2 months.

On January 26, 2016 I walked into the hospital at 281 lbs.  Two days later I would leave the hospital with 7 surgical punctures, and a sore belly as I recovered from gastric sleeve surgery. Since then I have lost almost 50 lbs. and in total since November 2014, I have shed almost 80 lbs.  

Why surgery?  I had exhausted all my options. The up and down of the last 30 years was enough. I had lost weight plenty of times and even kept it off for a year or two, but somehow, someway it always crept back up.  It finally came to a head when after 7 years, the man I dedicated my life to decided he was leaving.  I had let myself go so much. I was unrecognizable and I had a breakdown of sorts and didn't eat for almost two weeks and dropped about 15 lbs.  It was the beginning. So thank you to that man for leaving. In a way I owe him the most thanks for my success.

One of my closest friends is the reason I am where I am today. She is the one who verified my insurance covered the procedure and she accompanied me to the informational session that literally got the ball rolling. Fast forward almost a year later and I am happier and healthier than I have been in years. I will never be able to thank her enough for that. She was the push that I needed. 

I learned a lot preparing for this surgery. I learned that I have an amazing group of supportive friends and family and I learned that the ones that didn't stay on the ride with me just are not worth it. I changed so many habits and I realized something I didn't realize before.  I was really really unhappy with who I was.

I know. I know. Everyone always says oh Tam you are so pretty and the weight isn't important. You are smart and funny and kind and you come off so confident. Thank you. I appreciate all that but truth be told I wasn't happy in my own skin. My confidence was a defense mechanism. If I didn't keep up the facade that I didn't give a crap about what people think of me I would have crumbled. I absolutely cared and I hated the mirror, I hated my body and some days I hated life.

At my heaviest weight which was 320 lbs., I was the biggest girl in the room pretty much all the time, yet I was invisible.  Don't get me wrong, my people and they know who they are never ever treated me differently. They have always been supportive and loving to me. I am blessed to have brothers and sisters who may not be blood but are certainly my family.  I was invisible to the general public. The people who just saw a fat girl.  This past weekend I attended a party for my family.  It was the first time I wasn't invisible. It was the little things, like the person that wanted to get by and rather than just blow right past me , he gently moved me and said excuse me.  People held doors, and made room at the bar for me to get through.  This may not sound like much but when you have lived a life where people look at you like a second class citizen it meant the world.  

Some may think well damn, people should treat you the same no matter what you look like. This is true, but not realistic. You know it and I know it. I am not bitter. I can not change how people react to me or treat me. That was never my focus. My focus was to improve my health, my appearance and my happiness.  I am succeeding.

I no longer have pain in my legs or feet. I don't dread the walk up the stairs to my apartment (even though it is really awful).  I can sit in a booth in a restaurant and fit.I don't feel like everyone is looking at me eat and thinking she should order a salad.  I am taking my son to a wrestling event and can't wait to actually fit in my seat.  The ultimate goal has yet to be achieved, and that is a ride on a Harley. I haven't been on a motorcycle in probably two decades. I miss it. It will happen because I want it to.

People keep telling me I glow. That it's not just the weight loss but how I carry myself and how happy I look. Ladies and gents I can finally say I am happy. I am really happy. I am happy with the person I am becoming inside and out. I am not changing. I am becoming the person I was always meant to be. I was never meant to live in that body. The fat suit is slowly melting away. Day by day.


Anyone who feels like me, you don't have to have surgery. It's an option. I am just sharing this because the moral of the story is you will never truly be happy until you make it happen. I am making it happen.

Finally, MB, Karin, my JG fam who got me through one of the worst years in my life and have supported me through the greatest transition of my life I thank you and to everyone who has texted,face booked, stopped by and cheered me on since I announced this life changing journey, THANK YOU.  I would list you all but I fear I would forget someone and believe me in my heart I have not forgotten a soul.

The journey continues and thanks for taking it with me.

The Quality of Life

In less than two weeks I will be 42 years old.  Seems crazy because in my head I feel like a 20 something.  The biggest difference however is that for the first time in a long time my body is starting to not feel a 70 year old. 

Numerically, I have lost a good chunk of weight. It isn't visible yet I assume because when you are as big as I was you have to lose a considerable amount before people can see the difference. I'm ok with that because I know how I feel. 

On Friday, I went to see Tim McGraw.  I took this picture. I took it because for the first time in a long time I was able to stand and watch an entire show. I wasn't looking for a place to sit down because my feet, my knees and back hurt. I took tons of pictures and videos. I tailgated with my friends and made some new ones. I haven't enjoyed a concert like this in so long. 

On Saturday, I went with my best friend, her husband and son to surprise one of our extended family on his birthday. The old me would have declined the invite because I wouldn't have the stamina and would have been too beat from the day before, but this new me was able to be there and make someone happy just for showing up. 

This is life. This is living life and not having to take into consideration whether or not I can walk or where the nearest bathroom is because my eating habits made me feel ill.  This is me breaking out from under the shell that has imprisoned me all these years.

I still have a long road ahead but every day the little changes lead to major differences in who I am and how I live. It's all up to me. No one can do it for me. No one can make me happy. Once the person inside me and the body finally become one there is no telling what I can do. 

dd

Breaking Through

I haven't written a blog since May and I was speaking to my mom last night regarding a rather long facebook status I posted and she said I should start blogging again because I am good at it.  She is right. 

I just re-read my last entry from May and all I can say is "Wow".  Although I am still having so many of those same feelings and still sad and miss him, I have also had a major breakthrough in my "recovery" so to speak.

I am not a fat girl.  Not in my mind.  Not in my soul. I wear this extra padding like a bullet proof vest. I use it like a big F.U. to the world. If you can't love me at 300 lbs. then I don't want you because how look shouldn't matter right? WRONG.  It is one thing if you are truly happy with how you look and how you feel. I am all for people being the size that makes them happy.  This size has never made me happy. I don't live my life fully the way I want. I have wonderful friends and family. My social calendar is always full.  My job is wonderful. My son is beyond awesome. Yet, I am not whole. I don't feel I am who I am supposed to be stuck in this body of too much weight and too much skin. Too many chins and curves in all the wrong places. I don't always want to be the girl with the pretty face but..... Imagine what she could look like if she were thin or at least healthy. 

This discovery was made by meeting with a therapist week after week and spilling my guts to him about how I see my life and what I want and how I think it should be and in one of those sessions it finally hit me. I can't truly be happy in this body.  It's not me. Everyone I surround myself with are thinner people. A coincidence? No. We have like minds. These are women I admire, respect and aspire to be. I am amazing on the inside. I feel it is stifled by my outside.  Again, this is not a blog knocking anyone who is overweight and chooses to remain that way. Big is and can be beautiful and it only matters how you feel. What I am saying is I don't feel right. 

My blog from May is full of so much heartbreak and confusion and pain. Why do I always pick the wrong men? I am settling.  I am taking the men that I think will accept the plus size Tamyra, even though  I don't accept plus size Tamyra. So there is the rub.  How can a man be attracted to me if I don't show my true self?  I can't find a happy and healthy relationship with a man until I am happy with me and for the first time in forever I am ready to admit that yes I am awesome, but I am incomplete. I have work to do.  I have done the work on the inside. I continue to do so. It's time to work on the cosmetic because for me it's a mask.  A giant mask that prevents me from being me.

I have taken some drastic steps to achieve this next step to the new me.  In the coming months I will share more about that journey, but for now just know that changes are coming. Changes in me that some may have already seen.  It's scary and exciting but it's happening and although I still struggle with my loneliness and pain, I realize now that it will get better. It is getting better. The journey has just begun!

This is my life....

When exactly did you stop loving me?  When did that passion and overwhelming feeling of love, lust and excitement fade? I can’t remember exactly. I know it changed. I just don’t remember when.  I have moments of clarity I guess. These little flashes of what seems like a movie. I realize that you are a broken person if you think every relationship is just “for now”. I ignored all the signs.  In the beginning there was talk of marriage. Then suddenly it was “when we aren’t together anymore”.  I always knew you were talking to her. I always knew there was something. I knew you were weak. I guess I just thought you felt safe and comfortable and loved with me and that you wouldn’t let temptation tear us apart. I was wrong. Sex and love are not connected for you.  It is for me. That was the biggest divide in our relationship. I see that now. There were lots of things I didn’t like, but I loved you so much I just overlooked them as a compromise. You made me feel loved and safe but she was always lurking in my mind and I should have faced that years ago. I should have left years ago I guess and I wouldn’t be where I am today. Sad, lonely and miserable.

I still love you. I miss you. I get that sick feeling when I think of you doing all the things with her that we used to do. The things I hated. The events I dreaded. What I wouldn’t do to have that back just to be with you but why?  You aren’t good for me. You don’t love me the way I should be loved. Why do I hold on to someone who wouldn’t give me what I need or deserve? I am spending all this time and money with a therapist to figure it out and some days I feel like it’s never going to get better. Like this hole in my soul will never be filled and I will never trust again. Then there are moments of relief, ever so brief but I see them. Like cracks in the sky.

You were supposed to be the one. How could I be so wrong? How did I get here? Low self-esteem? Being Fat? I guess that makes sense. I don’t love myself or so I’m told but the weird thing is I feel like I do. Maybe I don’t know how to love which is why this keeps happening to me. Every man I have ever been in a relationship with cheated on me and left. At some point I have to stop blaming them and realize it’s me.  I’m choosing these people. I am making these decisions.  I am so tired of feeling like this. I am so tired of living my life and experiences and always wishing you were with me or that you would call or that I could call you to talk about them. I want to stop texting you. I want you to stop texting me because I know that’s the only way. It has to end. Really end but I can’t do it. I can’t fucking do it and I hate myself for that because I am just prolonging a painful situation because I’m too scared to really deal with the finality of it.

I wish you would just come back and be that man I fell in love with. The man who smiled at me and made me feel like the most beautiful person in the room. I still see that smile and it brings me to tears because you share it with someone else. Someone who is probably the one for you and more suited for you than I ever was. Where is my person? Why am I always alone? This isn’t the way I wanted my life to be.  Forever dealing with heartache and sadness. Trying so hard to enjoy the things in life I should but always wishing you were there. It’s like voices in my head that don’t shut up that won’t shut up. I’d like to say writing all this down gives me some clarity or peace when in reality it just makes me sad. I’m always sad. Even when I am smiling, laughing and joking I am sad. I drive home and cry. I think of you all day every day. When does it end?  My logical side knows it will. I got over Troy.

 I will get over you. I keep telling myself that but my heart doesn’t believe it. I love you. I will always love you. That’s how I feel and I would rather be alone than open up to someone because it will just end up right back here. Alone. Sitting in the therapist’s office week after week trying to change me.  Week after week going out alone. Feeling sorry for myself. Watching my friends feel sorry for me. This is my life. I want to blame you. I want to guilt you in to loving me again. They are thoughts that make no sense. I know that. It’s what runs through my head. The overwhelming fear of letting someone in is too much to bear. I am almost 42 years old and have my son and mom and the best group of friends in the world but I'm incomplete. I shouldn’t need a man to feel whole but I want so desperately to feel loved and appreciated and safe. You gave me that and then took it from me and I want to hate you but instead I just want you back. I am crazy. I am broken and I am sick. You aren’t coming back and I am going to be alone. That’s my life. This is my life.

Scott Anthony Amenta 1973-2015

There once was a young girl who was introduced to a young boy at a club by a mutual friend. They hit it off right away. She being a singer and he a bass player. Their love of music brought them together. They were only 19 years old. The joys of young love. That was me and that was Scott. Our mutual friend, Emily introduced us because she just knew we would get along. She was right.

Scott introduced  me to his family, Guy, Shirley and Karie. They took me in as their own. Shirley was the first person to force me to eat vegetables. "House rules" and oh those Christmas potatoes. We had so much fun. Sometimes I think I enjoyed just hanging at their house more  than anything else. So many memories. Karie screaming because even though she wrote "don't eat" on the leftovers from the restaurant, Scott, always the midnight snacker would raid the fridge and disregard her warning. Drove her crazy.

Our relationship was up and down.  We were kids. Young and dumb but we remained friends and through it all it is because of him I have some wonderful people who are still in my life today because of him. Some very strong, independent women who like me either fell under the love spell of Scott or just looked at him like a brother.

We lost touch through the years but I would run in to him or someone who knew him and we would reconnect. When Facebook came along it was great because I was able to witness him find his greatest love of all, Dominic. The little boy who would change the lives of the entire Amenta and Gervasi family. Now a daddy and a good one. Scott loved the Yankees I mean LOVED the Yankees and how great is it that his son ends up not only loving baseball but is pretty much a phenom in the sport for his age. Daddy will now be an angel in the outfield for his little boy and watch over him in ways that we on this earth never could. Dom will be fiercely protected and although it's not the same as having your dad here, I hope it brings comfort in some ways.

Scott was "that guy". Funny, quick witted, talented. He lit up a room. He didn't mind if he was the butt of the joke because he could dish it out just as well. He had big dreams and never stopped trying to achieve them. He was a dreamer. We need those in this world because without them life would be stagnant.

Life will be emptier without his presence in it.  His family will need to find a new normal without that big voice and  personality entering the room but his legacy lives on in Dom. He will do great things in this world and make his daddy proud.

It doesn't matter how a person dies. Only how they lived because those are the memories that carry us through the day and make us smile. Listen for that special song or that certain sunrise or sunset and you will feel his presence with you because he was larger than life and surely death won't keep Scott from finding a way to make his presence known. It just isn't his nature.

Thank you Scott for the love, the friendship and the memories. Make all the music you want now. Fly free from all that kept you down.

Love you,
Tam

Seven Years

I didn't know when or if I would be able to write about the recent situation.  The fact that I call it a situation at all is a clear indication that I am probably not ready to do this but writing has always been my therapy and I can't keep posting lame ass quotes and desperate facebook statuses because I am becoming that girl I can't stand. The cry for attention, look at me and my pain can someone please tell my ex how bad it hurts girl. No. I will not be her.  So my situation is this. He is gone. Moved on to someone else.

The break up is complicated. We shared a home. He moved out. I am moving soon. There is still alot of love between us but not enough on his end to keep him here. I will not share the details or the discussions we had even though a part of me wishes I could so everyone would tell me what an idiot I am to buy into any of it, but at the end of the day that man treated me with more love, respect and made me feel safe for almost seven years and I can't turn on him like that even though he has turned away from me.

I am in a bad place. I feel sad all the time. Its affecting every part of my life and I hate it. I went to the doctor started medication, went back to therapy. Im doing all I can to reclaim my life but I don't do breakups well. The only reason I was able to move on the last time was because he moved 1200 miles away.  I have loved two men in my life. The one who gave me my son and the one who walked out of here three short weeks ago.  I have learned a lot from both of them, but right now my pain is blinding. My heart is in pieces and I feel like every time it heals a piece of it doesn't come back. Im 41, my child is in college with his own life and he is amazing. I have a mom who would do anything for us. I have wonderful friends yet here I sit, crying all the time, with this hole in my heart that feels like it burns.  I wake in the middle of the night with panic attacks. I no longer hear his breath while he sleeps or feel his hand on my back when he rolls over to snuggle close. That part of my life is gone and its all I focus on.

Everyone says you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you and only you and wouldn't do that to you. They are right, but I had it. I had it for so long. I was so happy so blissfully happy even with all the little fights and quirks it never mattered to me. I just wanted him.

I will get better. I know that part is true, but God I wish it was today. I am lost in my own head and tired of feeling this way. I make strides forward but its the night time when no one is here and I know where he is and it isn't with me that kills me the most.

There is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. I appreciate all the support and kind words. I try to believe the words but my heart is so broken it won't let anything in.  This is where I am. You may see a smile in a photo or a status update that looks like Im on the road to recovery and yes I guess I am but I am far far from ok and I guess I just needed you all to know that. He won't see this and I won't tell him because it doesn't matter. What matters is I have to stop waiting for someone who doesn't want me and move on. What matters is I have to stop putting myself in these positions to begin with and what matters is I have to love myself more than I love him and right now I don't. I hope to soon but Im not there yet.

Thank you to all who have been putting up with my misery and stupid facebook quotes. It's moments of weakness. Rather than text him I post there. I need to release the anxiety somewhere.

So in closing. Thank you to all who support. To those who are tired of it all, trust me so am I and I am working on . Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and my wish for you is you never have to feel like this.

Tam

Farewell WCCC- The Soundtrack of My Life

To be honest I don't honestly remember when I went from the top 40 pop stations like Kiss FM and turned to the "dark side" known as WCCC, but I know its been a good 20 years because that's how long I have known many of the on air talent that have stuck with the station until its demise.

Why is the fact that WCCC which changed its format over a year ago from active rock to classic rock hitting me so hard? There are a lot of reasons. The music of course. I became fans of bands like Shinedown, Staind, Linkin Park, Trapt and too many more to name because WCCC introduced them to me, but it's more than the music. I was lucky enough to somehow find my way in a little deeper than the average fan. Over the years I got to hang out with Picozzi, Slaveboy,Rhino and  Raven. I got to be pretty friendly with Mary Scanlon, Klonk, Karolyi, Sinnamin and the lesser known Kathy Roche.  I was by no means BFF's. I was just able to have real conversations with real people and talk about music and life.  

I found myself an unofficial employee for a couple of years. Back before live streaming of radio on your computer or apps was the norm, WCCC was just starting out and where I worked I couldn't get the station on my radio because of the location of my office so I started listening to the live stream. I found pretty quickly that there were let's just say "problems" with it. Sometimes we would hear commercials in August that were advertising a Christmas Sale for one of the sponsors or the station would go dark all together and we would have 5-10 minutes of silence. So I reached out to Mary Scanlon and Klonk and they connected me with Kathy Roche who at the time was in charge of all things web related.  Kathy asked me to alert her of problems via email. I did this for a couple of years and over time it got better and better to the app that it is today.  I did it because I loved the station and I wanted it to progress and stay current with today's technology. I think Kathy knew that and she was so generous. She would send me little giftcards here and there and even some concert tickets on occasion. One year she sent me what is still my fave gift ever, It's a teeny replica of the "ROCK" outside the station. It sits on my desk and I look at it everyday. Well Kathy moved on and the live stream was pretty much running perfectly so I didn't interact with the station as much but I still was a loyal listener even when the worst thing that I thought could ever happen did.

WCCC changes from active rock to classic rock. Oh man the uproar was insane. A cool chic established a Save the Rock fan page, people protested, picketed, called, wrote, pretty much did everything but lay over the control board when the switch happen. I knew how difficult it was for the DJ's. I knew they didn't want it but they did need their jobs and you do what you must survive. They had seen a lot of personnel changes even before this happened. Sebastian and Mary Scanlon were let go and I was devastated. Mary was great. She made my morning drive every day. Then Raven took over and we went through the switch ups from a three person morning show to one then back to two and Raven and Sinnamin were still standing. I can't imagine what it felt like to work in that environment, never knowing when your number was up.  I didn't however, see the format change coming and I wish it never had. Apparently the demographic listening to the bands we loved wasn't exactly helping the economy. In other words, sponsorship was difficult to secure because men 18-24 don't buy stuff. Ok. well I guess I can understand that and at the end of the day business is business. So the change occurred and although I love Stevie Nicks I really don't wanna hear her on WCCC, but I stayed. I stayed loyal because the one thing that this classic rock station had that the others didn't was the people, The DJ's who made every day seem like they were in your house having a beer playing a record for you. They didn't come off like a Rick Dees knock off. They were REAL PEOPLE living in Connecticut dealing with the same crap we were .

So we carried on. We didn't like it but we carried on. Over time though the PEOPLE part of what made WCCC started to fade. Suddenly there were these voices that we knew damn well were not live in the studio nor were they live in this friggin state. I kinda started checking out after that. I listened to Raven religiously and Karolyi too and would catch part of Craig and Klonks shifts but i totally tuned out in between. They weren't our people. They were the Rick Dees knock offs and that was too much to bear. I heard the ratings were better since the switch which is probably how it sustained itself for so long, but in the end the Corporation won. I could say Corporate Greed, but I think its less about greed and more about the powers that be just being out of touch with how much their station of 30 years truly impacted the Connecticut Listeners. I am sure that the station could have sustained itself but they just didn't want to do it anymore and its far easier to make a profit and no longer have to worry about the FCC, unemployment benefits, insurance, staffing, lawsuits and liability. I get it. I don't like it but I get it.  I will say that they could have treated their employees with a bit more respect and sent them out with more than a handshake and that is an understatement. I want to be a lot more vulgar and a lot less politically correct but I don't know the whole story and Im not going to comment on things I don't have facts on.

So here we are on the eve of my 41st birthday and what do I get for a present? I get to hear Howard Stern back on WCCC as well as Staind and Shinedown and all the DJ's together talking about the good old days. Sounds like a great gift. Too bad it comes at a horrible price. The final broadcast of the station I have listened to since my 20's. I know this blog rambled on and on, but I wanted to share my experiences with the greatest group of people in the radio industry and just remind everyone that these people gave their heart and soul to WCCC, they were there on holidays instead of with their families, they were there to not just hand out tickets and spin a tune, they were there with us, in it, living the music, loving the culture and reminding us all how much fun rock and roll truly is. 

Thank you WCCC. I will miss you but I have a lifetime of memories. I can say I remember when WCCC......

Live Local and Ass Kicking. Tomorrow they will burn the flame one final time!!

Much love,
Tamyra

My Idol Top 3 Predictions 2014

 

Last night I made my decision for top 3

 

3^rd Place-

Alex Preston. He’s quirky and talented and has switched it up but I do think he isn’t as quirky and talented as the judges would like us to believe and I think if Harry Connick Jr. was able to go totally uncensored on this show he would say the same, but I doubt Idol would let that happen. Alex isn’t different. We have a bunch of these Jason Mraz types out there and taking a popular song and adding a reggae tone is hardly creative genius. He looks terrified to be on stage half the time and uncomfortable in his own skin. However, he’s consistent. He puts on a good performance each week and has gone under the radar through most of the competition.

 

2^nd Place-

Jena Irene- Truly the “dark horse” and I hate to be so cliché but it’s absolutely true. She rose from the obscurity of the crop to the top.  Every week she gets better and better. There isn’t really anyone out there right now with that voice. She does have some Paramore influence in there but she isn’t out there week after week taking every song and making it into a Hayley Williams song.  Last nights version of Carrie Underwood’s, “So Small” sold it for me. She’s an artist. She has the voice to sing a song like Barracuda in her range without trying to be Ann Wilson and she took a sweet and vanilla country song and made it into a version that could easily be re-released today and hit the top ten. She is amazing and honestly could take the whole thing if not for……

 

#1- Caleb Johnson

I wasn’t particularly impressed with Caleb in the early shows before they got to Hollywood, but Idol does that. They keep the good ones hidden. They don’t give all their goodies up at once, so he went on with a steady but unimpressive run for a bit. Once he hit the stage solo and had control over what he sang and the arrangements, it got real.  Caleb can sing anything and make it sound like he is the first guy to ever perform it.  His version of Rival Sons “Pressure and Time” sold it for me. Not because I'm a huge Sons fan but because he didn’t go out there and do a karaoke version. He did it Caleb style.

The reason he will win over Jena Irene really isn’t about vocal ability because they are evenly matched as we saw in their Gimme Shelter duet. The reason he will win is because HE IS A FRONT MAN. He has it all. A vocal range that today’s artists drool over. Since day one I have wanted him to sing a Chris Cornell song and I am still holding out hope for it. Caleb isn’t your standard “pretty boy” front man. To me he could be the love child of Jack Black and Meatloaf. That’s not to put him down by any means, I am just saying he isn’t the traditional rock and roll guy we are used to in today’s market.  It really doesn’t matter cuz when he sings its all sex and rock n roll and you believe every line he sings. He will be the next Idol and he will have a very successful rock n roll career as long as Idol doesn’t water him down. That’s why second place in this competition is usually better. They don’t force a formula on you, but Caleb is strong and I suspect that he will do his time as the Idol poster boy and then go out and do what he does best and that is ROCK.

 

Honorable Mention-

I had to take a second to talk about Jess Meuse because I have been screaming at my tv, and on twitter since the day she sang Crow and the Butterfly by Shinedown. Jess has NO idea how strong her voice is and the range she has. She isn’t comfortable in front of an audience and just needs someone to PUSH her. Her song choices week after week have been nice and safe and kept her sort of under the radar never falling in the bottom three. It kills me because there were a few moments in the Crow and Butterfly tune that I heard what she COULD be and I am confused as to why she doesn’t hear it. I remember the first time I belted out a note. I was like “damn that felt good” I haven’t looked back. So my hope is that someone out there in Hollywoodland sees what I see and scoops her up, and makes her into the giant superstar I truly believe she can be. She has the look, she has the talent, she just doesn’t have a clue.

 

2013 a Year in Review

2013 was once again a year of change. I guess I am realizing as I get older that change is part of life and although at the time it is occurring you may be resistant to it, ultimately it does all happen that way that it was meant to be or maybe you just acclimate to it. Either way life goes on and you must move along with it. There isn’t any sense in trying to live in the past when everyone around you is looking ahead. You will get left behind with nothing but memories and loneliness. LIVING life is continually pressing on and making new memories. It doesn’t mean you let the old ones fade they just become part of your collection.

 

The difference for me personally this year was that although I did suffer loss either through death or the demise of friendships, it wasn’t the theme of my 2013.  So many good things happen in 2013 that outweighed the negative. 

 

My son Brandon is a senior in high school, he got his driver’s license, he has applied to college, he is writing sports blogs and playing basketball and has an amazing group of people he calls friends who are good kids and all are driven to do well. As a mom, it’s a relief to know that your child is in a good place in his life and on the path to a bright future.  He celebrated New Years with his best friends and I couldn’t help but wish I was a fly on the wall just to see him enjoying the life that I, his father and grandparents have all had a part in.

 

After 7 years with Elim Park and being pretty stifled in the position for the last 2 I finally decided to actively pursue a new career.  I put my resume out and applied for 5 positions in one week. Three of them called me back immediately. One I decided right off wasn’t for, the second I thought was pretty interesting but the third was the one I was really after. I was so happy when I received the offer and less than excited when they asked me to come in at a little below my current pay rate but with travel cut in half and the prospect of a bright future I was willing to do it and said yes. Then, literally a few days before I was to leave my job and start anew, Connecticut Innovations called. They were the “second” job I applied for.  I really thought the job was interesting but when they called I had already accepted another job. They weren’t giving up and presented me with a life changing piece of paper. I couldn’t say no to the salary, the benefits and all the perks that come with it. So I started in November. It’s been a bit slow to start with some technology things slowing it down but all in all I like the job, I love the benefits and I believe that this is the start of a great career for me.

 

There was some loss. Another gone to soon due to a motorcycle accident. He was an amazing father and husband and it shines through in everything his wife and children do. I am in awe of them every time I see them at how they are coping with losing the man in their life at such a young age. It really shows you how true love can overcome even when the physical bond is broken.  RIP Paul. 

We said goodbye to Andrew who put a never ending fight with cancer and wasn’t going down easy. He lived and loved and his family was there with him in his final moments. I didn’t know Andrew well but I know his brother and it was touching to see how that family just rallied around their brother, their son, their uncle to make sure he was never alone and was able to stay in the home he loved so much til the end. Keith now possesses the “man cave” which meant a lot to Andrew and I know that it means as much to Keith as did him.   

ROCK ON RON.  Ron K. was someone I knew way back in the days of my illustrious career at Edwards Food Warehouse when I was a kid. He was always a great guy with a dark sense of humor and a love for music, a passion for music and the boy could shred. When Facebook came to be we reconnected and would chat quite a bit because he was always “lurking” at odd hours of the day and night and I would be on his same schedule it seemed. Ron battled with the loss of his leg due to an infection and would have taken any average person out of the game for good didn’t stop Ron. He fought and fought hard and came back. He even got to play again with his band it seemed like things were really looking up. When he started not feeling so great he played it off with many of us just saying it was some complications but he would be back at it. Sadly, he had aggressive cancer that came on hard and fast and took his life.  I don’t know why he won the fight of one illness only to be taken by another, but I don’t dwell on it. He lived, loved and impacted us all and he will never be forgot especially when we see a sexy red head which was his weakness.

 

Eddie oh Eddie. A smile and laugh that could light up a room. Such a gentleman. Always looking for love and giving all he had to his children. Eddie was just a good guy to know and be around.  When I heard of his passing and that is was complications due to a surgery that was supposed to improve his quality of life I was struck by the irony. I will never understand why someone is taken so soon for what seems like a senseless reason but we must move forward and remember.

 

Loss of a friendship or a friendship that transforms into something different than what it once was is hard but I have learned to accept it. I have been down this road before and I am optimistic that in time everyone finds their place in your life and it is what is best for everyone. I will never forget the good times, the talks, the tears, the laughs and all that she has done for me. It’s what keeps the door open to the future that although it can never be what it was it can certainly be something new and healthy for us both.

 

Love was definitely in the air in 2013 and I couldn’t be happier for all those that found new loves or reconnected with old ones. There were weddings galore and I was happy to attend many of them.

 

40 . I turned 40 this year. I had a wonderful party to celebrate the milestone with the ones I love and it was a great day and will stay with me for years to come. Being 40 has been a little weird because I have had some physical ailments just seemingly pop up out of nowhere, but I do believe my 40 year old mind appreciates more, loves more and is more understanding than that of my 25 year old former self.

 

So that was 2013 for me. Filled with lots of fun, tears but most of all memories. I wish you and yours many memories to fill your heads and sweeten your dreams in 2014. Never wait to tell someone you love them, don’t put off something you truly want til the right time because that time will never come.  We go around once or at least we only remember it once so LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.

 

♥