I was 10 years old when I met Mike Kowalski, back then we called him Squeezel but we wouldn't really have a friendship for a couple more years. We were seasonal campers at Brialee Campground in Ashford. When you are a seasonal camper, a club is formed so to speak. All the kids that are there week after week obviously become close and friendships are formed. We would always make fun of the "weekenders". Those were the kids just coming for one weekend and not cool like us kids.
Mike was always larger than life. He was loud. He smoked, he drank. He always had girls flocking around him. Whether it be at the basketball court, game room, the pool or table rock. Where Mike was, so was a crowd. He would get in trouble a lot. Always getting in to something. I remember him coming by our site once a week to get the garbage. Mike, always the hustler scored himself a little part time job to make a little cash by working for the owner and grabbing the garbage. He would chat with my dad and say hi to me, He was three years older and at that time the age difference was big so he didn't pay a ton of attention to me, but he was always nice.
My last season at Brialee I was 12 years old and Mike was seeing me more as a young woman then a little girl. He was flirty and fun and we hung out more. I mean I am 12, not much going on people so don't get weird. He had plenty of girls his own age lol. That was an amazing summer. We had our Louisiana friends who were living there, and all the folks from CT towns, and so many from Bristol where Mike is from. We had luau's and bbq's and just had a blast. I have so many fun memories with Mike. On my last day at Brialee I went to say by to him and he said later girl. He didn't know I was never coming back as my parents didn't plan to return for another season. I was walking away and suddenly i got swung around, and Squeezel gave me a big ol kiss on the lips. It wasn't some passionate thing or anything like that. I was a little kid. What he didn't know was it just happened to be my first kiss. We didn't have facebook , or cells or texting or email or any of that crap back then so when I left Brialee that day I never expected to see him again but I always remembered him with a smile.
Years passed, we became adults. I went on to become a mom and live my life and one day on Facebook I saw the name Mike Kowalski and thought, no way, can't be, but I had already started finding so many other old Brialee friends and he had the same friends so I knew it was him. I friend requested him and we chatted for a really long time. I caught up on his life. He told me how he met his wife at a really young age and he became an instant dad to his amazing daughter, Krysty. He explained she might not be mine by blood but she's my daughter and anyone who tries to say different will get their ass beat. He then had his daughter, Brianna who is the spitting image of him and so much like him. He told me it scares the hell out of me cuz I want her to do better than me. He was so proud of the life he created. He adored his pets, Oreo and Peanut the pibbles with the wiggles and his 4 cats, and of course the bikes. His passion for riding can't be measured, and the icing on the cake is that his Hot Wifey as he called her rode with him as well and as he would always say she rides better than most dudes I know. I shared my story and he was so kind and caring. Mike came back into my life right after I had my surgery so his support was beyond amazing.
Mike was extremely intelligent and well spoken. He was a mechanic and not just a mechanic but the best mechanic I have ever seen. That dude could fix anything. He had a very hard head and wasn't necessarily open to anyone challenging his opinion, but I quickly learned how to get around that. When I was at my lowest and struggling it was Mike who with the love and support of his wife opened their home to me so that I could get back on my feet. I went from friends to family in a blink of an eye. It was an amazing summer. I dubbed him bad daddy cuz he adopted my dog, Roscoe as his own and that's what we would call him to Roscoe. The family all got on board on day one. They included me in their life. I wasn't just a roommate. I was welcomed into the delivery room when Brianna's daughter, Kyla was born. This is a family who loves hard and is there no matter what is happening.
So when it was time for me to move back out on my own, I was sad to leave but knew that it was the right thing to do. It didn't change our friendship. He was always checking on me even though he knew I had Brian here. He worried. Always worrying about something. Some thought his cranky, aggressive behavior was "Crazy Mike" being an asshole. It wasn't. That's how he showed he cared. He always wanted better for the people he loved and himself. He was unable to express that so it came out as frustration.
A week ago today, I stopped by his work with a coffee and to chat for a few. He was in really good spirits. Things were going well at home and he looked happy. I didn't stay long, but when I left I said later gator and he said Love ya toots. Those would be the last words I would ever hear. I can't express how grateful I am that his stupid fire stick broke and that I had to stop by there to get the money to get it fixed. I am blessed with one last happy memory.
On Sunday, May 21st, I received a horrible call from his loving wife, and at her request, rushed to the hospital to be with her. I said my goodbyes and since that day Dawn, Krysty, Bri and I have been working like a Bad Daddy Super Team to make sure we do everything he would want us to do. He knows we will grieve but he wants us to keep moving forward and I am sure he is proud of how we are sticking together and taking care of each other.
Bad Daddy I will never forget how quickly you came in to my life and a little over a year later you are gone, but you will always be with me. I see the signs. I pay attention. Dawn and the girls will be fine. She is a rock and she is honoring your memory by doing what you would want her to do and staying strong. It was too soon. It's not right and I will never understand the reason why but you are at peace and you can now take care of all the ones you love without the constraints on earth.
I love you. I am so grateful I found you again and that we connected like no time has passed. Dawn and the girls and I will be just fine. We will stick together because that's what you would want.
Until we meet again.
135 lbs and 15 months later my life is so very very different. I have watched the weight melt off me and my life change in so many ways. The reason I was inspired to write about it today was because I need folks to understand what it does to a person's mind and soul in addition to their body.
The beautiful thing is that my true friends don't see me any different. They never cared how big I was and never thought I was limited. Well they were wrong and that's ok. I am writing this because if you have never been morbidly obese you can't possibly understand the stigma. You don't see me different because you love me but that's not how the world in general works.
In the past couple of days not one, not two, but three of my friends said that it's not how I look that stopped me but what I put out there. They are not totally wrong, my attitude and insecurity was definitely a factor, but the reality is people treat obese people differently. They just do.
When I was 320 lbs people didn't hold doors for me or say hello in lines. Maybe once in a blue moon, but it was not the norm. When I went out on the town with my friends, men didn't look at me, they certainly didn't talk to me and in some cases they would get annoyed when my very round body was just trying to "belly up" to the bar for a drink. I was always appalled at how the opposite sex seemed disgusted by my presence at time. I never pushed myself on a dude. I am not blind I could see if someone was willing to talk to me or not, so why be rude or make comments that are just hurtful? Why did my round body offend you so bad? I didn't try and sit on your lap or eat your cheeseburger.
An acquaintance of mine said the other day, that my new life isn't what made me happy. You couldn't be anymore wrong which is one of a whole host of reasons that we aren't really friends anymore (insert lol here). My weight loss is the vehicle for my absolute happiness. I am free of the physcial limitations and pain. I am free of the disgusted looks from people who I don't even know who would look at whatever I was eating at a bar or restaurant like they are the food police. I truly tried not to care about what people think and in most cases a big FU is what I thought, but it still infiltrates your core and leaves a mark.
I am free and have never lived more in my life. One of my best friends who is my champion, calls me out when I am wrong, she supports me when I am right and she makes me look at things from a broader perspective and I love her for that. She will never truly understand what this journey has done inside my head and how it has opened my eyes to how superficial people can be, but what she taught me was what is more important is how I handle the changes and I didn't always do my best, but I keep pushing along and for that I am grateful. She is not a "yes" woman and this past year I needed that more than ever.
For all of you regular sized people, who have never been so big that people literally are repulsed by you, you can't possibly understand. I can't understand what it is to be blind or deaf or lose a limb, anymore than you can understand what is to be a woman and 320 lbs. I can say this because I have been on both sides of this spectrum now. No not everyone or everything is related to the size of my body, but I need folks to know that it is more than not. That's just the sad truth about humans and what we have been conditioned to see as acceptable and not.
I am grateful for the people who have stood by me through my changes physically and mentally. My confidence replacing my insecurity. I am truly blessed with the most amazing friends in the world and in the past year rid myself of those who weren't really there for me at all. I have wonderful, supportive family and even a great network of co-workers who all support me and with that love and support comes tough love which everyone can use sometimes.
In closing, just know that everyone is going through something and although it may look seamless on the outside or "easy", it isn't and although for me it looks like I have succeeded and my journey is complete, it is actually something that will go on for years to come. When you spent over 35 years as morbidly obese, the mentality doesn't disappear overnight. It's an ongoing challenge.
Thank you to all my friends, family and co-workers for the ongoing support. I may not always seem receptive but trust me, I am always listening.
My best friend in the world said to me recently that the world doesn't revolve around Tamyra. Say What?
But in all seriousness, I do know it doesn't revolve around me, but this year has been pretty big for me as anyone who has seen me can gather.
It was the year I took back my life. On January 26, 2016 I had my weight loss surgery. Literally the best decision of my adult life. I went from over 300lbs to 190lbs with more work to be done. It was the catalyst to the hundreds of changes that came my way since. I knew my appearance and health would change, but I had always said I would not.
I lied. Well I didn't lie. I made a prediction without the knowledge of what would actually happen. When you are obese most of your life, you can't possibly comprehend how your attitude, outlook and decision making may change.
I am a different person, but I feel like it's the real me and the person I was destined to be. It opened my eyes in so many ways. I have talked about this at length so I won't rehash it but it was the biggest change in my 2016.
So many of my friends on social media are so eager to kick 2016 to the curb and have had a very different year than me. 2016 will go down as the best year for me since the birth of my son 20 years ago. I will look back at 2016 fondly and with a smile for the rest of my life.
2016 brought change in other ways. I spent the better part of 8 years with a group of people I called family. They were my family. They got me through the toughest times in my life. They supported me through the good times and bad. I supported them 100% through weddings, anniversaries, injuries, deaths and birth. It was an amazing experience that I will always be grateful for, but all good things come to an end and my time has ended. It doesn't matter the reasons it is just over. The end came with my new beginning and that is not a coincidence.
The older I get, the loss of friends and family occurs a little more frequent than I would like. A childhood friend taken suddenly leaving two beautiful children behind. Her smile was infectious and her heart bigger than the moon. We miss you Tara. The colorful Carl left us this year. The good time guy who loved beer as much as his friends and was always there when called. His loss has been hard on many I know and his laugh and sense of humor are missed. Guy was an amazing son, husband, father and papa. His death was a huge loss to his family, but now he is with his son who he never quit got over losing not that long ago. Dom will make him proud like he always has.
Grudges. I will not keep them. It does no good. Life is too short. I am happy to have reconnected with an old friend before 2016 ended. Her absence has been felt through most of 2016 so I am hopeful 2017 will be different.
I am not lonely anymore. I don't talk alot about what goes on in my love life these days, because I have learned some things don't need to be "posted". I am happy and enjoying life and that's all that needs to be said.
And as always, my son continues to make me proud and pave his way to an amazing career and future. There are no words to express these feelings. So I will just leave this here:
2016 will go down in the record books for me as one of the best yet. I am eager to see what 2017 holds. Happy New Year Everyone. Be safe, be kind and remember that tomorrow is not a promise it's a gift.
It's Motivational Monday and today I am highlighting perspective. High school was a tough time for me. I was not popular and I was bullied quite a bit before bullying was really a focal point. I was called fat and was so self conscious of myself. I weighed 145lbs in this pic yet in my mind I was a monster. Then I ballooned up to 320 as you see in pic #2 and i was pretty happy with my life and my friends but still trapped in a body I was not happy with even though i had all the love and support in the world. Finally the 3rd pic shows the real me. The person I always knew i could be. I may not be 145lbs. But at 185 i am more confident and comfortable in my skin. I think my smile reflects my inner self. Never give up. Be true to yourself and if that means you are happy at 145, 320 or 185 it's ok. Just be true to you. Happy Monday folks. Let it snow!
I do not discuss politics. My views put me on both sides of the line so I don't affiliate with either side. I also don't judge those whose views are so far on the opposite side of the spectrum as mine. We live in a country that is supposed to support opinion, diversity and basic human rights. I decided to write this today to not talk about the political issues but to voice my opinion on how many Americans are expressing their opinions and how detrimental it is to relationships and this country.
Social Media is a blessing and also a curse. It allows us to share information in real time and keep a discussion or issue at the forefront without delay. It also provides a forum for people to hide behind a keyboard and spew off words that for many would never be uttered in a face to face meeting. It allows anyone to post anything true or not and dependent upon where your loyalty lies you choose to believe it without thinking for a second maybe I should fact check this piece of info before I send it. The phony websites that post "news" that caters to their political party or belief system have grown at such a rate that Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg has no option but to start considering how to stop the phony baloney news articles running rampant on the net. USA Today Article on Facebook phony news
It is beyond my comprehension why any of my friends would willy nilly repost an article without taking two seconds to verify its validity. If you are only finding this article on one news outlet that you have never even heard of how can you possibly be sure it is legit? I am not blind to the fact that there are national networks catering to one political party or another, but at the end of the day it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out if something is true or not. Be responsible in what you post so that you don't look ignorant.
Opinions matter. Yours, mine and ours. STOP bashing the left. STOP bashing the right. If you are entitled to your opinion andI am entitled to mine. It blows my mind that people will block, unfriend, attack their friends and family over political positions. Without both sides there is no democracy, there is no choice. There is no America. We have a lot of work on both sides of the spectrum. Change is needed but the attacks on each other are just insane, unnecessary and quite honestly useless. Unfriending your friend of 20 years because they voted for Hilary is asinine. Blocking your brother because he voted for Trump? There are way better reasons to block your brother I am sure. Like that time he screwed your girlfriend or drank the last beer. But over who he voted for? That's just plain silly. We live in a country that promotes freedom of speech and the right to vote. Respect both in a respectful way people.
Lastly, this is the most "political" I am gonna get so here goes. Trump won. So Hilary supporters need to get over it and start taking actions to support the issues that matter to you that you feel will not be addressed in this administration. Protesting will not change who our President-Elect is. Moving to Canada does nothing to change that Trump takes office in January. If you want change, join a cause that means something to you. Be active in your community and in your government. Keyboard warriors and meme makers will not bring change.
Trump supporters. He won! Congratulations. Stop bashing the other side and gloating and taunting those you know from the other spectrum. We need to be a nation that is not divided and being on the winning side, you need to foster that unity through positive change not through continual negativity. What does it prove? The "I told you so" period has passed and always remember if you push the envelope of negativity, karma will always find a way to level the playing field.
I didn't want either candidate honestly. I am unsure that either can do for this country what we need, but I am eager to see what he will do because we all agree we need CHANGE.
So in closing. You actually CAN be civil to each other regardless of your political position. You can be respectful of all Americans even if you disagree with them. You can fact check your information before misinforming your friends and family with regurgitated garbage from a basement dwelling keyboard warrior who is just trying to get traffic to his crappy website.
You know who has the power to make America great again? YOU. So do it.
It's no secret I had weight loss surgery. I have shared this journey with everyone and anyone who was remotely interested. Some people keep it hidden or fabricate their story. I don't judge. It's a personal decision and I have learned that some people frown upon it so I get that for some it's easier to keep it a secret. Not me. I am an open book.
I prepped and prepped for this surgery for almost an entire year. I did all the things I was supposed to. I was poked, prodded, scanned, gave more blood than Bella did to Edward and I worked to achieve my goal.
I have had nothing but love and support from my friends since day 1 and to the few that didn't last with me on this ride, oh well that's your loss for sure not mine. So what is this blog about? It's about the things I didn't prep for. The things I didn't expect and the truth at how unprepared I was emotionally for what was about to happen,
DISCLAIMER* What am I about to write isn't a complaint. I am grateful for the weight I lost and how I look and how I feel. I don't wanna come off like oh Poor Tamyra and her first world problems. I am sharing this in the hopes that someone else who goes through it can see they are not alone cuz right now I am feeling pretty alone.
Ok back to business. What I wasn't prepared for was how my appearance and newly found self confidence would appear to the outside world. Specifically men. I was 320lbs and surrounded by men all the time. Men who are like brothers, or friends and a couple who were more. But now as I sit comfortably in my new body I find that people treat me different. I remember being the biggest girl in the room and completely invisible and thinking how nothing can feel so awful. I was wrong. Since the new me has arrived on the scene I have dated and it has been pretty much nothing less than a shit show since day 1. Yes I used the word shit show. Why? Because I was not prepared for how men perceive me now. Before, it was my personality and maybe my face that attracted men. I spent the better part of the last 20 years in committed relationships. I have no idea what it is like to be single and not obese. The things that men have said to me in an attempt " to get some" aren't as mind boggling as some of the men who said them. Men I know. Men I trusted and men I saw in a very different light prior to my surgery. Apparently, when you are in the friend zone you are protected from some of the truth behind a man's personality or desires. I never saw that side of them. I wish I never did. Married men, men who want nothing but a one night stand, men who want to dominate, men who don't respect women and are quite open about it. This is what I am dealing with. This is normal I guess in dating or is it? The problem is, I am not prepared. I am off my game. I don't feel like I have the radar up to warn me when there is a douche bag preying on the new me.
I am tired of feeling like I am doing something wrong. I don't dress slutty. I don't talk that way. I don't slink around flirting with every man I see. In fact, I barely flirt at all. Is me being the same me at 320lbs not going to work at 190lbs? Does my humor and smile say something different then it did when I had 2 chins instead of one? Can anyone tell me?
I have had a rough couple of days and I feel like its self inflicted and I need to figure out why and how to fix it. i am tired of feeling alone and crying. I am a good woman who someday would like to find a good man but in the meantime I am just being me and enjoying my new life.
They encourage people who have my surgery to go to therapy. I did two years of it before surgery so didn't think it was necessary. Well maybe I am wrong. I don't know. I haven't decided yet. I am sharing this so that other women and men who make the choice to improve their health and life know that while 90% of what goes on after surgery is amazing and I regret nothing, there are consequences. There is a down side. Now I just need to figure out how to live with the new me and the people that see me differently.'
Thanks for reading.
Yesterday was a milestone for me. I had bariatric sleeve surgery on January 26, 2016. When I walked in to the hospital that day I weighed 281 lbs. I had started the journey 9 months before at a whopping 320 lbs. I stepped on to the scale yesterday and there I saw it. 199.4 lbs. I actually got off and got on the scale twice just to be sure. So since I decided it was time to take back my life I have lost 121 lbs.
Here's what else I lost. A friend of over 20 years without any explanation as to why. It's happened before so why I was surprised or why I expel any energy towards the situation is beyond me. I guess not knowing the reason is a motivator for feeling that way. I lost many insecurities. I lost fear of rejection. I lost that self loathing feeling every time I looked in the mirror or was rejected by someone for any reason.
Here's what I gained. Confidence, my smile has returned, my health, a pain free life and a clear vision of who my true friends and supporters are.
Here's what I have learned thus far. Contrary to what I thought, my relationship issues were only partially driven by my weight. I have lost 100 lbs yet I still find myself wanting the wrong ones and devoting more time to them than I should. However, with my newly found self confidence, I waste less time figuring this out and I move on. That's a huge difference. I still make bad choices. I don't know if that will ever go away but what I realize now that although my outside may have dictated who was attracted to me and what I would tolerate as a person, it's my inside that still needs work. I deserve better. I know this and someday it will happen.
Weight loss doesn't fix everything but it does improve your health, state of mind and outlook on life. It improves the quality of your life. It changes how you think, how you feel and how you carry yourself everyday. Just like money can't solve all your problems, neither does weight loss. I legit thought I would find happiness much quicker because I was thinner. I am wrong and that's OK. I have lots to learn still and will keep learning.
I have about another 50 lbs to go and I will be at my goal I think. That's where my focus will continue to be. No longer worrying about what this boy thinks or that boy said. The right one will find me. I'm no longer looking.
Lastly, the one thing I didn't see coming through all this was the reactions from people who said I helped motivate or inspire them to take control of their weight. That is a bonus I could have never predicted. I chose to share the journey from fat to fit in order to keep myself in check and accountable. I didn't ever think it would affect others in a positive manner. I can honestly say that is probably the icing on the cake that I can't eat unless it's sugar free.
Thank you to each and everyone of you who have supported me and contacted me and helped me. There are too many to mention and you know who you are.
If you have a goal, stick to it. The feeling is amazing when you start to see it happen.
