The beautiful thing is that my true friends don't see me any different. They never cared how big I was and never thought I was limited. Well they were wrong and that's ok. I am writing this because if you have never been morbidly obese you can't possibly understand the stigma. You don't see me different because you love me but that's not how the world in general works.
In the past couple of days not one, not two, but three of my friends said that it's not how I look that stopped me but what I put out there. They are not totally wrong, my attitude and insecurity was definitely a factor, but the reality is people treat obese people differently. They just do.
When I was 320 lbs people didn't hold doors for me or say hello in lines. Maybe once in a blue moon, but it was not the norm. When I went out on the town with my friends, men didn't look at me, they certainly didn't talk to me and in some cases they would get annoyed when my very round body was just trying to "belly up" to the bar for a drink. I was always appalled at how the opposite sex seemed disgusted by my presence at time. I never pushed myself on a dude. I am not blind I could see if someone was willing to talk to me or not, so why be rude or make comments that are just hurtful? Why did my round body offend you so bad? I didn't try and sit on your lap or eat your cheeseburger.
An acquaintance of mine said the other day, that my new life isn't what made me happy. You couldn't be anymore wrong which is one of a whole host of reasons that we aren't really friends anymore (insert lol here). My weight loss is the vehicle for my absolute happiness. I am free of the physcial limitations and pain. I am free of the disgusted looks from people who I don't even know who would look at whatever I was eating at a bar or restaurant like they are the food police. I truly tried not to care about what people think and in most cases a big FU is what I thought, but it still infiltrates your core and leaves a mark.
I am free and have never lived more in my life. One of my best friends who is my champion, calls me out when I am wrong, she supports me when I am right and she makes me look at things from a broader perspective and I love her for that. She will never truly understand what this journey has done inside my head and how it has opened my eyes to how superficial people can be, but what she taught me was what is more important is how I handle the changes and I didn't always do my best, but I keep pushing along and for that I am grateful. She is not a "yes" woman and this past year I needed that more than ever.
For all of you regular sized people, who have never been so big that people literally are repulsed by you, you can't possibly understand. I can't understand what it is to be blind or deaf or lose a limb, anymore than you can understand what is to be a woman and 320 lbs. I can say this because I have been on both sides of this spectrum now. No not everyone or everything is related to the size of my body, but I need folks to know that it is more than not. That's just the sad truth about humans and what we have been conditioned to see as acceptable and not.
I am grateful for the people who have stood by me through my changes physically and mentally. My confidence replacing my insecurity. I am truly blessed with the most amazing friends in the world and in the past year rid myself of those who weren't really there for me at all. I have wonderful, supportive family and even a great network of co-workers who all support me and with that love and support comes tough love which everyone can use sometimes.
In closing, just know that everyone is going through something and although it may look seamless on the outside or "easy", it isn't and although for me it looks like I have succeeded and my journey is complete, it is actually something that will go on for years to come. When you spent over 35 years as morbidly obese, the mentality doesn't disappear overnight. It's an ongoing challenge.
Thank you to all my friends, family and co-workers for the ongoing support. I may not always seem receptive but trust me, I am always listening.
