RIP Bad Daddy

I was 10 years old when I met Mike Kowalski, back then we called him Squeezel but we wouldn't really have a friendship for a couple more years.  We were seasonal campers at Brialee Campground in Ashford. When you are a seasonal camper, a club is formed so to speak. All the kids that are there week after week obviously become close and friendships are formed. We would always make fun of the "weekenders". Those were the kids just coming for one weekend and not cool like us kids. 

Mike was always larger than life. He was loud. He smoked, he drank. He always had girls flocking around him. Whether it be at the basketball court, game room, the pool or table rock. Where Mike was, so was a crowd.  He would get in trouble a lot.  Always getting in to something. I remember him coming by our site once a week to get the garbage. Mike, always the hustler scored himself a little part time job to make a little cash by working for the owner and grabbing the garbage. He would chat with my dad and say hi to me, He was three years older and at that time the age difference was big so he didn't pay a ton of attention to me, but he was always nice.

My last season at Brialee I was 12 years old and Mike was seeing me more as a young woman then a little girl. He was flirty and fun and we hung out more. I mean I am 12, not much going on people so don't get weird. He had plenty of girls his own age lol.  That was an amazing summer. We had our Louisiana friends who were living there, and all the folks from CT towns, and so many from Bristol where Mike is from.  We had luau's and bbq's and just had a blast. I have so many fun memories with Mike.  On my last day at Brialee I went to say by to him and he said later girl.  He didn't know I was never coming back as my parents didn't plan to return for another season. I was walking away and suddenly i got swung around, and Squeezel gave me a big ol kiss on the lips.  It wasn't some passionate thing or anything like that. I was a little kid.  What he didn't know was it just happened to be my first kiss.  We didn't have facebook , or cells or texting or email or any of that crap back then so when I left Brialee that day I never expected to see him again but I always remembered him with a smile.

Years passed, we became adults.  I went on to become a mom and live my life and one day on Facebook I saw the name Mike Kowalski and thought, no way, can't be, but I had already started finding so many other old Brialee friends and he had the same friends so I knew it was him. I friend requested him and we chatted for a really long time. I caught up on his life.  He told me how he met his wife at a really young age and he became an instant dad to his amazing daughter, Krysty. He explained she might not be mine by blood but she's my daughter and anyone who tries to say different will get their ass beat. He then had his daughter, Brianna who is the spitting image of him and so much like him. He told me it scares the hell out of me cuz I want her to do better than me.  He was so proud of the life he created. He adored his pets, Oreo and Peanut the pibbles with the wiggles and his 4 cats, and of course the bikes.  His passion for riding can't be measured, and the icing on the cake is that his Hot Wifey as he called her rode with him as well and as he would always say she rides better than most dudes I know. I shared my story and he was so kind and caring. Mike came back into my life right after I had my surgery so his support was beyond amazing. 

Mike was extremely intelligent and well spoken. He was a mechanic and not just a mechanic but the best mechanic I have ever seen. That dude could fix anything.  He had a very hard head and wasn't necessarily open to anyone challenging his opinion, but I quickly learned how to get around that.  When I was at my lowest and struggling it was Mike who with the love and support of his wife opened their home to me so that I could get back on my feet.  I went from friends to family in a blink of an eye. It was an amazing summer. I dubbed him bad daddy cuz he adopted my dog, Roscoe as his own and that's what we would call him to Roscoe. The family all got on board on day one.  They included me in their life. I wasn't just a roommate. I was welcomed into the delivery room when Brianna's daughter, Kyla was born.  This is a family who loves hard and is there no matter what is happening.

So when it was time for me to move back out on my own, I was sad to leave but knew that it was the right thing to do. It didn't change our friendship. He was always checking on me even though he knew I had Brian here. He worried. Always worrying about something. Some thought his cranky, aggressive behavior was "Crazy Mike" being an asshole. It wasn't.  That's how he showed he cared. He always wanted better for the people he loved and himself. He was unable to express that so it came out as frustration.

A week ago today, I stopped by his work with a coffee and to chat for a few.  He was in really good spirits. Things were going well at home and he looked happy.  I didn't stay long, but when I left I said later gator and he said Love ya toots. Those would be the last words I would ever hear. I can't express how grateful I am that his stupid fire stick broke and that I had to stop by there to get the money to get it fixed. I am blessed with one last happy memory.

On Sunday, May 21st, I received a horrible call from his loving wife, and at her request, rushed to the hospital to be with her.  I said my goodbyes and since that day Dawn, Krysty, Bri and I have been working like a Bad Daddy Super Team to make sure we do everything he would want us to do.  He knows we will grieve but he wants us to keep moving forward and I am sure he is proud of how we are sticking together and taking care of each other. 


Bad Daddy I will never forget how quickly you came in to my life and a little over a year later you are gone, but you will always be with me. I see the signs. I pay attention. Dawn and the girls will be fine. She is a rock and she is honoring your memory by doing what you would want her to do and staying strong.  It was too soon. It's not right and I will never understand the reason why but you are at peace and you can now take care of all the ones you love without the constraints on earth.  

I love you. I am so grateful I found you again and that we connected like no time has passed.  Dawn and the girls and I will be just fine. We will stick together because that's what you would want.

Until we meet again.

You really can't understand

135 lbs and 15 months later my life is so very very different.  I have watched the weight melt off me and my life change in so many ways.  The reason I was inspired to write about it today was because I need folks to understand what it does to a person's mind and soul in addition to their body.  

The beautiful thing is that my true friends don't see me any different. They never cared how big I was and never thought I was limited.  Well they were wrong and that's ok. I am writing this because if you have never been morbidly obese you can't possibly understand the stigma. You don't see me different because you love me but that's not how the world in general works.  

In the past couple of days not one, not two, but three of my friends said that it's not how I look that stopped me but what I put out there. They are not totally wrong, my attitude and insecurity was definitely a factor, but the reality is people treat obese people differently. They just do.  

When I was 320 lbs people didn't hold doors for me or say hello in lines. Maybe once in a blue moon, but it was not the norm.  When I went out on the town with my friends, men didn't look at me, they certainly didn't talk to me and in some cases they would get annoyed when my very round body was just trying to "belly up" to the bar for a drink. I was always appalled at how the opposite sex seemed disgusted by my presence at time.  I never pushed myself on a dude. I am not blind I could see if someone was willing to talk to me or not, so why be rude or make comments that are just hurtful? Why did my round body offend you so bad? I didn't try and sit on your lap or eat your cheeseburger.

An acquaintance of mine said the other day, that my  new life isn't what made me happy.  You couldn't be anymore wrong which is one of a whole host of reasons that we aren't really friends anymore (insert lol here).  My weight loss is the vehicle for my absolute happiness.  I am free of the physcial limitations and pain. I am free of the disgusted looks from people who I don't even know who would look at whatever I was eating at a bar or restaurant like they are the food police. I truly tried not to care about what people think and in most cases a big FU is what I thought, but it still infiltrates your core and leaves a mark.

I am free and have never lived more in my life.  One of my best friends who is my champion, calls me out when I am wrong, she supports me when I am right and she makes me look at things from a broader perspective and I love her for that. She will never truly understand what this journey has done inside my head and how it has opened my eyes to how superficial people can be, but what she taught me was what is more important is how I handle the changes and I didn't always do my best, but I keep pushing along and for that I am grateful. She is not a "yes" woman and this past year I needed that more than ever.

For all of you regular sized people, who have never been so big that people literally are repulsed by you, you can't possibly understand. I can't understand what it is to be blind or deaf or lose a limb, anymore than you can understand what is to be a woman and 320 lbs.  I can say this because I have been on both sides of this spectrum now.  No not everyone or everything is related to the size of my body, but I need folks to know that it is more than not. That's just the sad truth about humans and what we have been conditioned to see as acceptable and not.

I am grateful for the people who have stood by me through my changes physically and mentally. My confidence replacing my insecurity.  I am truly blessed with the most amazing friends in the world and in the past year rid myself of those who weren't really there for me at all. I have wonderful, supportive family and even a great network of co-workers who all support me and with that love and support comes tough love which everyone can use sometimes.

In closing, just know that everyone is going through something and although it may look seamless on the outside or "easy",  it isn't and although for me it looks like I have succeeded and my journey is complete, it is actually something that will go on for years to come. When you spent over 35 years as morbidly obese, the mentality doesn't disappear overnight. It's an ongoing challenge.

Thank you to all my friends, family and co-workers for the ongoing support.  I may not always seem receptive but trust me, I am always listening.