I haven't written a blog since May and I was speaking to my mom last night regarding a rather long facebook status I posted and she said I should start blogging again because I am good at it. She is right.
I just re-read my last entry from May and all I can say is "Wow". Although I am still having so many of those same feelings and still sad and miss him, I have also had a major breakthrough in my "recovery" so to speak.
I am not a fat girl. Not in my mind. Not in my soul. I wear this extra padding like a bullet proof vest. I use it like a big F.U. to the world. If you can't love me at 300 lbs. then I don't want you because how look shouldn't matter right? WRONG. It is one thing if you are truly happy with how you look and how you feel. I am all for people being the size that makes them happy. This size has never made me happy. I don't live my life fully the way I want. I have wonderful friends and family. My social calendar is always full. My job is wonderful. My son is beyond awesome. Yet, I am not whole. I don't feel I am who I am supposed to be stuck in this body of too much weight and too much skin. Too many chins and curves in all the wrong places. I don't always want to be the girl with the pretty face but..... Imagine what she could look like if she were thin or at least healthy.
This discovery was made by meeting with a therapist week after week and spilling my guts to him about how I see my life and what I want and how I think it should be and in one of those sessions it finally hit me. I can't truly be happy in this body. It's not me. Everyone I surround myself with are thinner people. A coincidence? No. We have like minds. These are women I admire, respect and aspire to be. I am amazing on the inside. I feel it is stifled by my outside. Again, this is not a blog knocking anyone who is overweight and chooses to remain that way. Big is and can be beautiful and it only matters how you feel. What I am saying is I don't feel right.
My blog from May is full of so much heartbreak and confusion and pain. Why do I always pick the wrong men? I am settling. I am taking the men that I think will accept the plus size Tamyra, even though I don't accept plus size Tamyra. So there is the rub. How can a man be attracted to me if I don't show my true self? I can't find a happy and healthy relationship with a man until I am happy with me and for the first time in forever I am ready to admit that yes I am awesome, but I am incomplete. I have work to do. I have done the work on the inside. I continue to do so. It's time to work on the cosmetic because for me it's a mask. A giant mask that prevents me from being me.
I have taken some drastic steps to achieve this next step to the new me. In the coming months I will share more about that journey, but for now just know that changes are coming. Changes in me that some may have already seen. It's scary and exciting but it's happening and although I still struggle with my loneliness and pain, I realize now that it will get better. It is getting better. The journey has just begun!
