When
exactly did you stop loving me? When did
that passion and overwhelming feeling of love, lust and excitement fade? I can’t
remember exactly. I know it changed. I just don’t remember when. I have moments of clarity I guess. These
little flashes of what seems like a movie. I realize that you are a broken
person if you think every relationship is just “for now”. I ignored all the
signs. In the beginning there was talk
of marriage. Then suddenly it was “when we aren’t together anymore”. I always knew you were talking to her. I always
knew there was something. I knew you were weak. I guess I just thought you felt
safe and comfortable and loved with me and that you wouldn’t let temptation
tear us apart. I was wrong. Sex and love are not connected for you. It is for me. That was the biggest divide in
our relationship. I see that now. There were lots of things I didn’t like, but
I loved you so much I just overlooked them as a compromise. You made me feel
loved and safe but she was always lurking in my mind and I should have faced
that years ago. I should have left years ago I guess and I wouldn’t be where I
am today. Sad, lonely and miserable.
I still love you. I miss
you. I get that sick feeling when I think of you doing all the things with her
that we used to do. The things I hated. The events I dreaded. What I wouldn’t
do to have that back just to be with you but why? You aren’t good for me. You don’t love me the
way I should be loved. Why do I hold on to someone who wouldn’t give me what I
need or deserve? I am spending all this time and money with a therapist to
figure it out and some days I feel like it’s never going to get better. Like
this hole in my soul will never be filled and I will never trust again. Then
there are moments of relief, ever so brief but I see them. Like cracks in the
sky.
You were supposed to be
the one. How could I be so wrong? How did I get here? Low self-esteem? Being
Fat? I guess that makes sense. I don’t love myself or so I’m told but the weird
thing is I feel like I do. Maybe I don’t know how to love which is why this
keeps happening to me. Every man I have ever been in a relationship with
cheated on me and left. At some point I have to stop blaming them and realize it’s
me. I’m choosing these people. I am
making these decisions. I am so tired of
feeling like this. I am so tired of living my life and experiences and always wishing
you were with me or that you would call or that I could call you to talk about
them. I want to stop texting you. I want you to stop texting me because I know
that’s the only way. It has to end. Really end but I can’t do it. I can’t
fucking do it and I hate myself for that because I am just prolonging a painful
situation because I’m too scared to really deal with the finality of it.
I wish you would just
come back and be that man I fell in love with. The man who smiled at me and
made me feel like the most beautiful person in the room. I still see that smile
and it brings me to tears because you share it with someone else. Someone who
is probably the one for you and more suited for you than I ever was. Where is
my person? Why am I always alone? This isn’t the way I wanted my life to
be. Forever dealing with heartache and
sadness. Trying so hard to enjoy the things in life I should but always wishing
you were there. It’s like voices in my head that don’t shut up that won’t shut
up. I’d like to say writing all this down gives me some clarity or peace when
in reality it just makes me sad. I’m always sad. Even when I am smiling,
laughing and joking I am sad. I drive home and cry. I think of you all day
every day. When does it end? My logical
side knows it will. I got over Troy.
I will get over you. I keep telling myself
that but my heart doesn’t believe it. I love you. I will always love you. That’s
how I feel and I would rather be alone than open up to someone because it will
just end up right back here. Alone. Sitting in the therapist’s office week
after week trying to change me. Week
after week going out alone. Feeling sorry for myself. Watching my friends feel
sorry for me. This is my life. I want to blame you. I want to guilt you in to
loving me again. They are thoughts that make no sense. I know that. It’s what
runs through my head. The overwhelming fear of letting someone in is too much
to bear. I am almost 42 years old and have my son and mom and the best group of
friends in the world but I'm incomplete. I shouldn’t need a man to feel whole
but I want so desperately to feel loved and appreciated and safe. You gave me
that and then took it from me and I want to hate you but instead I just want
you back. I am crazy. I am broken and I am sick. You aren’t coming back and I
am going to be alone. That’s my life. This is my life.
