The Quality of Life

In less than two weeks I will be 42 years old.  Seems crazy because in my head I feel like a 20 something.  The biggest difference however is that for the first time in a long time my body is starting to not feel a 70 year old. 

Numerically, I have lost a good chunk of weight. It isn't visible yet I assume because when you are as big as I was you have to lose a considerable amount before people can see the difference. I'm ok with that because I know how I feel. 

On Friday, I went to see Tim McGraw.  I took this picture. I took it because for the first time in a long time I was able to stand and watch an entire show. I wasn't looking for a place to sit down because my feet, my knees and back hurt. I took tons of pictures and videos. I tailgated with my friends and made some new ones. I haven't enjoyed a concert like this in so long. 

On Saturday, I went with my best friend, her husband and son to surprise one of our extended family on his birthday. The old me would have declined the invite because I wouldn't have the stamina and would have been too beat from the day before, but this new me was able to be there and make someone happy just for showing up. 

This is life. This is living life and not having to take into consideration whether or not I can walk or where the nearest bathroom is because my eating habits made me feel ill.  This is me breaking out from under the shell that has imprisoned me all these years.

I still have a long road ahead but every day the little changes lead to major differences in who I am and how I live. It's all up to me. No one can do it for me. No one can make me happy. Once the person inside me and the body finally become one there is no telling what I can do. 

dd

Breaking Through

I haven't written a blog since May and I was speaking to my mom last night regarding a rather long facebook status I posted and she said I should start blogging again because I am good at it.  She is right. 

I just re-read my last entry from May and all I can say is "Wow".  Although I am still having so many of those same feelings and still sad and miss him, I have also had a major breakthrough in my "recovery" so to speak.

I am not a fat girl.  Not in my mind.  Not in my soul. I wear this extra padding like a bullet proof vest. I use it like a big F.U. to the world. If you can't love me at 300 lbs. then I don't want you because how look shouldn't matter right? WRONG.  It is one thing if you are truly happy with how you look and how you feel. I am all for people being the size that makes them happy.  This size has never made me happy. I don't live my life fully the way I want. I have wonderful friends and family. My social calendar is always full.  My job is wonderful. My son is beyond awesome. Yet, I am not whole. I don't feel I am who I am supposed to be stuck in this body of too much weight and too much skin. Too many chins and curves in all the wrong places. I don't always want to be the girl with the pretty face but..... Imagine what she could look like if she were thin or at least healthy. 

This discovery was made by meeting with a therapist week after week and spilling my guts to him about how I see my life and what I want and how I think it should be and in one of those sessions it finally hit me. I can't truly be happy in this body.  It's not me. Everyone I surround myself with are thinner people. A coincidence? No. We have like minds. These are women I admire, respect and aspire to be. I am amazing on the inside. I feel it is stifled by my outside.  Again, this is not a blog knocking anyone who is overweight and chooses to remain that way. Big is and can be beautiful and it only matters how you feel. What I am saying is I don't feel right. 

My blog from May is full of so much heartbreak and confusion and pain. Why do I always pick the wrong men? I am settling.  I am taking the men that I think will accept the plus size Tamyra, even though  I don't accept plus size Tamyra. So there is the rub.  How can a man be attracted to me if I don't show my true self?  I can't find a happy and healthy relationship with a man until I am happy with me and for the first time in forever I am ready to admit that yes I am awesome, but I am incomplete. I have work to do.  I have done the work on the inside. I continue to do so. It's time to work on the cosmetic because for me it's a mask.  A giant mask that prevents me from being me.

I have taken some drastic steps to achieve this next step to the new me.  In the coming months I will share more about that journey, but for now just know that changes are coming. Changes in me that some may have already seen.  It's scary and exciting but it's happening and although I still struggle with my loneliness and pain, I realize now that it will get better. It is getting better. The journey has just begun!

This is my life....

When exactly did you stop loving me?  When did that passion and overwhelming feeling of love, lust and excitement fade? I can’t remember exactly. I know it changed. I just don’t remember when.  I have moments of clarity I guess. These little flashes of what seems like a movie. I realize that you are a broken person if you think every relationship is just “for now”. I ignored all the signs.  In the beginning there was talk of marriage. Then suddenly it was “when we aren’t together anymore”.  I always knew you were talking to her. I always knew there was something. I knew you were weak. I guess I just thought you felt safe and comfortable and loved with me and that you wouldn’t let temptation tear us apart. I was wrong. Sex and love are not connected for you.  It is for me. That was the biggest divide in our relationship. I see that now. There were lots of things I didn’t like, but I loved you so much I just overlooked them as a compromise. You made me feel loved and safe but she was always lurking in my mind and I should have faced that years ago. I should have left years ago I guess and I wouldn’t be where I am today. Sad, lonely and miserable.

I still love you. I miss you. I get that sick feeling when I think of you doing all the things with her that we used to do. The things I hated. The events I dreaded. What I wouldn’t do to have that back just to be with you but why?  You aren’t good for me. You don’t love me the way I should be loved. Why do I hold on to someone who wouldn’t give me what I need or deserve? I am spending all this time and money with a therapist to figure it out and some days I feel like it’s never going to get better. Like this hole in my soul will never be filled and I will never trust again. Then there are moments of relief, ever so brief but I see them. Like cracks in the sky.

You were supposed to be the one. How could I be so wrong? How did I get here? Low self-esteem? Being Fat? I guess that makes sense. I don’t love myself or so I’m told but the weird thing is I feel like I do. Maybe I don’t know how to love which is why this keeps happening to me. Every man I have ever been in a relationship with cheated on me and left. At some point I have to stop blaming them and realize it’s me.  I’m choosing these people. I am making these decisions.  I am so tired of feeling like this. I am so tired of living my life and experiences and always wishing you were with me or that you would call or that I could call you to talk about them. I want to stop texting you. I want you to stop texting me because I know that’s the only way. It has to end. Really end but I can’t do it. I can’t fucking do it and I hate myself for that because I am just prolonging a painful situation because I’m too scared to really deal with the finality of it.

I wish you would just come back and be that man I fell in love with. The man who smiled at me and made me feel like the most beautiful person in the room. I still see that smile and it brings me to tears because you share it with someone else. Someone who is probably the one for you and more suited for you than I ever was. Where is my person? Why am I always alone? This isn’t the way I wanted my life to be.  Forever dealing with heartache and sadness. Trying so hard to enjoy the things in life I should but always wishing you were there. It’s like voices in my head that don’t shut up that won’t shut up. I’d like to say writing all this down gives me some clarity or peace when in reality it just makes me sad. I’m always sad. Even when I am smiling, laughing and joking I am sad. I drive home and cry. I think of you all day every day. When does it end?  My logical side knows it will. I got over Troy.

 I will get over you. I keep telling myself that but my heart doesn’t believe it. I love you. I will always love you. That’s how I feel and I would rather be alone than open up to someone because it will just end up right back here. Alone. Sitting in the therapist’s office week after week trying to change me.  Week after week going out alone. Feeling sorry for myself. Watching my friends feel sorry for me. This is my life. I want to blame you. I want to guilt you in to loving me again. They are thoughts that make no sense. I know that. It’s what runs through my head. The overwhelming fear of letting someone in is too much to bear. I am almost 42 years old and have my son and mom and the best group of friends in the world but I'm incomplete. I shouldn’t need a man to feel whole but I want so desperately to feel loved and appreciated and safe. You gave me that and then took it from me and I want to hate you but instead I just want you back. I am crazy. I am broken and I am sick. You aren’t coming back and I am going to be alone. That’s my life. This is my life.

Scott Anthony Amenta 1973-2015

There once was a young girl who was introduced to a young boy at a club by a mutual friend. They hit it off right away. She being a singer and he a bass player. Their love of music brought them together. They were only 19 years old. The joys of young love. That was me and that was Scott. Our mutual friend, Emily introduced us because she just knew we would get along. She was right.

Scott introduced  me to his family, Guy, Shirley and Karie. They took me in as their own. Shirley was the first person to force me to eat vegetables. "House rules" and oh those Christmas potatoes. We had so much fun. Sometimes I think I enjoyed just hanging at their house more  than anything else. So many memories. Karie screaming because even though she wrote "don't eat" on the leftovers from the restaurant, Scott, always the midnight snacker would raid the fridge and disregard her warning. Drove her crazy.

Our relationship was up and down.  We were kids. Young and dumb but we remained friends and through it all it is because of him I have some wonderful people who are still in my life today because of him. Some very strong, independent women who like me either fell under the love spell of Scott or just looked at him like a brother.

We lost touch through the years but I would run in to him or someone who knew him and we would reconnect. When Facebook came along it was great because I was able to witness him find his greatest love of all, Dominic. The little boy who would change the lives of the entire Amenta and Gervasi family. Now a daddy and a good one. Scott loved the Yankees I mean LOVED the Yankees and how great is it that his son ends up not only loving baseball but is pretty much a phenom in the sport for his age. Daddy will now be an angel in the outfield for his little boy and watch over him in ways that we on this earth never could. Dom will be fiercely protected and although it's not the same as having your dad here, I hope it brings comfort in some ways.

Scott was "that guy". Funny, quick witted, talented. He lit up a room. He didn't mind if he was the butt of the joke because he could dish it out just as well. He had big dreams and never stopped trying to achieve them. He was a dreamer. We need those in this world because without them life would be stagnant.

Life will be emptier without his presence in it.  His family will need to find a new normal without that big voice and  personality entering the room but his legacy lives on in Dom. He will do great things in this world and make his daddy proud.

It doesn't matter how a person dies. Only how they lived because those are the memories that carry us through the day and make us smile. Listen for that special song or that certain sunrise or sunset and you will feel his presence with you because he was larger than life and surely death won't keep Scott from finding a way to make his presence known. It just isn't his nature.

Thank you Scott for the love, the friendship and the memories. Make all the music you want now. Fly free from all that kept you down.

Love you,
Tam