I didn't know when or if I would be able to write about the recent situation. The fact that I call it a situation at all is a clear indication that I am probably not ready to do this but writing has always been my therapy and I can't keep posting lame ass quotes and desperate facebook statuses because I am becoming that girl I can't stand. The cry for attention, look at me and my pain can someone please tell my ex how bad it hurts girl. No. I will not be her. So my situation is this. He is gone. Moved on to someone else.
The break up is complicated. We shared a home. He moved out. I am moving soon. There is still alot of love between us but not enough on his end to keep him here. I will not share the details or the discussions we had even though a part of me wishes I could so everyone would tell me what an idiot I am to buy into any of it, but at the end of the day that man treated me with more love, respect and made me feel safe for almost seven years and I can't turn on him like that even though he has turned away from me.
I am in a bad place. I feel sad all the time. Its affecting every part of my life and I hate it. I went to the doctor started medication, went back to therapy. Im doing all I can to reclaim my life but I don't do breakups well. The only reason I was able to move on the last time was because he moved 1200 miles away. I have loved two men in my life. The one who gave me my son and the one who walked out of here three short weeks ago. I have learned a lot from both of them, but right now my pain is blinding. My heart is in pieces and I feel like every time it heals a piece of it doesn't come back. Im 41, my child is in college with his own life and he is amazing. I have a mom who would do anything for us. I have wonderful friends yet here I sit, crying all the time, with this hole in my heart that feels like it burns. I wake in the middle of the night with panic attacks. I no longer hear his breath while he sleeps or feel his hand on my back when he rolls over to snuggle close. That part of my life is gone and its all I focus on.
Everyone says you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you and only you and wouldn't do that to you. They are right, but I had it. I had it for so long. I was so happy so blissfully happy even with all the little fights and quirks it never mattered to me. I just wanted him.
I will get better. I know that part is true, but God I wish it was today. I am lost in my own head and tired of feeling this way. I make strides forward but its the night time when no one is here and I know where he is and it isn't with me that kills me the most.
There is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. I appreciate all the support and kind words. I try to believe the words but my heart is so broken it won't let anything in. This is where I am. You may see a smile in a photo or a status update that looks like Im on the road to recovery and yes I guess I am but I am far far from ok and I guess I just needed you all to know that. He won't see this and I won't tell him because it doesn't matter. What matters is I have to stop waiting for someone who doesn't want me and move on. What matters is I have to stop putting myself in these positions to begin with and what matters is I have to love myself more than I love him and right now I don't. I hope to soon but Im not there yet.
Thank you to all who have been putting up with my misery and stupid facebook quotes. It's moments of weakness. Rather than text him I post there. I need to release the anxiety somewhere.
So in closing. Thank you to all who support. To those who are tired of it all, trust me so am I and I am working on . Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and my wish for you is you never have to feel like this.
Tam
