Seven Years

I didn't know when or if I would be able to write about the recent situation.  The fact that I call it a situation at all is a clear indication that I am probably not ready to do this but writing has always been my therapy and I can't keep posting lame ass quotes and desperate facebook statuses because I am becoming that girl I can't stand. The cry for attention, look at me and my pain can someone please tell my ex how bad it hurts girl. No. I will not be her.  So my situation is this. He is gone. Moved on to someone else.

The break up is complicated. We shared a home. He moved out. I am moving soon. There is still alot of love between us but not enough on his end to keep him here. I will not share the details or the discussions we had even though a part of me wishes I could so everyone would tell me what an idiot I am to buy into any of it, but at the end of the day that man treated me with more love, respect and made me feel safe for almost seven years and I can't turn on him like that even though he has turned away from me.

I am in a bad place. I feel sad all the time. Its affecting every part of my life and I hate it. I went to the doctor started medication, went back to therapy. Im doing all I can to reclaim my life but I don't do breakups well. The only reason I was able to move on the last time was because he moved 1200 miles away.  I have loved two men in my life. The one who gave me my son and the one who walked out of here three short weeks ago.  I have learned a lot from both of them, but right now my pain is blinding. My heart is in pieces and I feel like every time it heals a piece of it doesn't come back. Im 41, my child is in college with his own life and he is amazing. I have a mom who would do anything for us. I have wonderful friends yet here I sit, crying all the time, with this hole in my heart that feels like it burns.  I wake in the middle of the night with panic attacks. I no longer hear his breath while he sleeps or feel his hand on my back when he rolls over to snuggle close. That part of my life is gone and its all I focus on.

Everyone says you deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you and only you and wouldn't do that to you. They are right, but I had it. I had it for so long. I was so happy so blissfully happy even with all the little fights and quirks it never mattered to me. I just wanted him.

I will get better. I know that part is true, but God I wish it was today. I am lost in my own head and tired of feeling this way. I make strides forward but its the night time when no one is here and I know where he is and it isn't with me that kills me the most.

There is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. I appreciate all the support and kind words. I try to believe the words but my heart is so broken it won't let anything in.  This is where I am. You may see a smile in a photo or a status update that looks like Im on the road to recovery and yes I guess I am but I am far far from ok and I guess I just needed you all to know that. He won't see this and I won't tell him because it doesn't matter. What matters is I have to stop waiting for someone who doesn't want me and move on. What matters is I have to stop putting myself in these positions to begin with and what matters is I have to love myself more than I love him and right now I don't. I hope to soon but Im not there yet.

Thank you to all who have been putting up with my misery and stupid facebook quotes. It's moments of weakness. Rather than text him I post there. I need to release the anxiety somewhere.

So in closing. Thank you to all who support. To those who are tired of it all, trust me so am I and I am working on . Merry Christmas, Happy New Year and my wish for you is you never have to feel like this.

Tam

Farewell WCCC- The Soundtrack of My Life

To be honest I don't honestly remember when I went from the top 40 pop stations like Kiss FM and turned to the "dark side" known as WCCC, but I know its been a good 20 years because that's how long I have known many of the on air talent that have stuck with the station until its demise.

Why is the fact that WCCC which changed its format over a year ago from active rock to classic rock hitting me so hard? There are a lot of reasons. The music of course. I became fans of bands like Shinedown, Staind, Linkin Park, Trapt and too many more to name because WCCC introduced them to me, but it's more than the music. I was lucky enough to somehow find my way in a little deeper than the average fan. Over the years I got to hang out with Picozzi, Slaveboy,Rhino and  Raven. I got to be pretty friendly with Mary Scanlon, Klonk, Karolyi, Sinnamin and the lesser known Kathy Roche.  I was by no means BFF's. I was just able to have real conversations with real people and talk about music and life.  

I found myself an unofficial employee for a couple of years. Back before live streaming of radio on your computer or apps was the norm, WCCC was just starting out and where I worked I couldn't get the station on my radio because of the location of my office so I started listening to the live stream. I found pretty quickly that there were let's just say "problems" with it. Sometimes we would hear commercials in August that were advertising a Christmas Sale for one of the sponsors or the station would go dark all together and we would have 5-10 minutes of silence. So I reached out to Mary Scanlon and Klonk and they connected me with Kathy Roche who at the time was in charge of all things web related.  Kathy asked me to alert her of problems via email. I did this for a couple of years and over time it got better and better to the app that it is today.  I did it because I loved the station and I wanted it to progress and stay current with today's technology. I think Kathy knew that and she was so generous. She would send me little giftcards here and there and even some concert tickets on occasion. One year she sent me what is still my fave gift ever, It's a teeny replica of the "ROCK" outside the station. It sits on my desk and I look at it everyday. Well Kathy moved on and the live stream was pretty much running perfectly so I didn't interact with the station as much but I still was a loyal listener even when the worst thing that I thought could ever happen did.

WCCC changes from active rock to classic rock. Oh man the uproar was insane. A cool chic established a Save the Rock fan page, people protested, picketed, called, wrote, pretty much did everything but lay over the control board when the switch happen. I knew how difficult it was for the DJ's. I knew they didn't want it but they did need their jobs and you do what you must survive. They had seen a lot of personnel changes even before this happened. Sebastian and Mary Scanlon were let go and I was devastated. Mary was great. She made my morning drive every day. Then Raven took over and we went through the switch ups from a three person morning show to one then back to two and Raven and Sinnamin were still standing. I can't imagine what it felt like to work in that environment, never knowing when your number was up.  I didn't however, see the format change coming and I wish it never had. Apparently the demographic listening to the bands we loved wasn't exactly helping the economy. In other words, sponsorship was difficult to secure because men 18-24 don't buy stuff. Ok. well I guess I can understand that and at the end of the day business is business. So the change occurred and although I love Stevie Nicks I really don't wanna hear her on WCCC, but I stayed. I stayed loyal because the one thing that this classic rock station had that the others didn't was the people, The DJ's who made every day seem like they were in your house having a beer playing a record for you. They didn't come off like a Rick Dees knock off. They were REAL PEOPLE living in Connecticut dealing with the same crap we were .

So we carried on. We didn't like it but we carried on. Over time though the PEOPLE part of what made WCCC started to fade. Suddenly there were these voices that we knew damn well were not live in the studio nor were they live in this friggin state. I kinda started checking out after that. I listened to Raven religiously and Karolyi too and would catch part of Craig and Klonks shifts but i totally tuned out in between. They weren't our people. They were the Rick Dees knock offs and that was too much to bear. I heard the ratings were better since the switch which is probably how it sustained itself for so long, but in the end the Corporation won. I could say Corporate Greed, but I think its less about greed and more about the powers that be just being out of touch with how much their station of 30 years truly impacted the Connecticut Listeners. I am sure that the station could have sustained itself but they just didn't want to do it anymore and its far easier to make a profit and no longer have to worry about the FCC, unemployment benefits, insurance, staffing, lawsuits and liability. I get it. I don't like it but I get it.  I will say that they could have treated their employees with a bit more respect and sent them out with more than a handshake and that is an understatement. I want to be a lot more vulgar and a lot less politically correct but I don't know the whole story and Im not going to comment on things I don't have facts on.

So here we are on the eve of my 41st birthday and what do I get for a present? I get to hear Howard Stern back on WCCC as well as Staind and Shinedown and all the DJ's together talking about the good old days. Sounds like a great gift. Too bad it comes at a horrible price. The final broadcast of the station I have listened to since my 20's. I know this blog rambled on and on, but I wanted to share my experiences with the greatest group of people in the radio industry and just remind everyone that these people gave their heart and soul to WCCC, they were there on holidays instead of with their families, they were there to not just hand out tickets and spin a tune, they were there with us, in it, living the music, loving the culture and reminding us all how much fun rock and roll truly is. 

Thank you WCCC. I will miss you but I have a lifetime of memories. I can say I remember when WCCC......

Live Local and Ass Kicking. Tomorrow they will burn the flame one final time!!

Much love,
Tamyra

My Idol Top 3 Predictions 2014

 

Last night I made my decision for top 3

 

3^rd Place-

Alex Preston. He’s quirky and talented and has switched it up but I do think he isn’t as quirky and talented as the judges would like us to believe and I think if Harry Connick Jr. was able to go totally uncensored on this show he would say the same, but I doubt Idol would let that happen. Alex isn’t different. We have a bunch of these Jason Mraz types out there and taking a popular song and adding a reggae tone is hardly creative genius. He looks terrified to be on stage half the time and uncomfortable in his own skin. However, he’s consistent. He puts on a good performance each week and has gone under the radar through most of the competition.

 

2^nd Place-

Jena Irene- Truly the “dark horse” and I hate to be so cliché but it’s absolutely true. She rose from the obscurity of the crop to the top.  Every week she gets better and better. There isn’t really anyone out there right now with that voice. She does have some Paramore influence in there but she isn’t out there week after week taking every song and making it into a Hayley Williams song.  Last nights version of Carrie Underwood’s, “So Small” sold it for me. She’s an artist. She has the voice to sing a song like Barracuda in her range without trying to be Ann Wilson and she took a sweet and vanilla country song and made it into a version that could easily be re-released today and hit the top ten. She is amazing and honestly could take the whole thing if not for……

 

#1- Caleb Johnson

I wasn’t particularly impressed with Caleb in the early shows before they got to Hollywood, but Idol does that. They keep the good ones hidden. They don’t give all their goodies up at once, so he went on with a steady but unimpressive run for a bit. Once he hit the stage solo and had control over what he sang and the arrangements, it got real.  Caleb can sing anything and make it sound like he is the first guy to ever perform it.  His version of Rival Sons “Pressure and Time” sold it for me. Not because I'm a huge Sons fan but because he didn’t go out there and do a karaoke version. He did it Caleb style.

The reason he will win over Jena Irene really isn’t about vocal ability because they are evenly matched as we saw in their Gimme Shelter duet. The reason he will win is because HE IS A FRONT MAN. He has it all. A vocal range that today’s artists drool over. Since day one I have wanted him to sing a Chris Cornell song and I am still holding out hope for it. Caleb isn’t your standard “pretty boy” front man. To me he could be the love child of Jack Black and Meatloaf. That’s not to put him down by any means, I am just saying he isn’t the traditional rock and roll guy we are used to in today’s market.  It really doesn’t matter cuz when he sings its all sex and rock n roll and you believe every line he sings. He will be the next Idol and he will have a very successful rock n roll career as long as Idol doesn’t water him down. That’s why second place in this competition is usually better. They don’t force a formula on you, but Caleb is strong and I suspect that he will do his time as the Idol poster boy and then go out and do what he does best and that is ROCK.

 

Honorable Mention-

I had to take a second to talk about Jess Meuse because I have been screaming at my tv, and on twitter since the day she sang Crow and the Butterfly by Shinedown. Jess has NO idea how strong her voice is and the range she has. She isn’t comfortable in front of an audience and just needs someone to PUSH her. Her song choices week after week have been nice and safe and kept her sort of under the radar never falling in the bottom three. It kills me because there were a few moments in the Crow and Butterfly tune that I heard what she COULD be and I am confused as to why she doesn’t hear it. I remember the first time I belted out a note. I was like “damn that felt good” I haven’t looked back. So my hope is that someone out there in Hollywoodland sees what I see and scoops her up, and makes her into the giant superstar I truly believe she can be. She has the look, she has the talent, she just doesn’t have a clue.

 

2013 a Year in Review

2013 was once again a year of change. I guess I am realizing as I get older that change is part of life and although at the time it is occurring you may be resistant to it, ultimately it does all happen that way that it was meant to be or maybe you just acclimate to it. Either way life goes on and you must move along with it. There isn’t any sense in trying to live in the past when everyone around you is looking ahead. You will get left behind with nothing but memories and loneliness. LIVING life is continually pressing on and making new memories. It doesn’t mean you let the old ones fade they just become part of your collection.

 

The difference for me personally this year was that although I did suffer loss either through death or the demise of friendships, it wasn’t the theme of my 2013.  So many good things happen in 2013 that outweighed the negative. 

 

My son Brandon is a senior in high school, he got his driver’s license, he has applied to college, he is writing sports blogs and playing basketball and has an amazing group of people he calls friends who are good kids and all are driven to do well. As a mom, it’s a relief to know that your child is in a good place in his life and on the path to a bright future.  He celebrated New Years with his best friends and I couldn’t help but wish I was a fly on the wall just to see him enjoying the life that I, his father and grandparents have all had a part in.

 

After 7 years with Elim Park and being pretty stifled in the position for the last 2 I finally decided to actively pursue a new career.  I put my resume out and applied for 5 positions in one week. Three of them called me back immediately. One I decided right off wasn’t for, the second I thought was pretty interesting but the third was the one I was really after. I was so happy when I received the offer and less than excited when they asked me to come in at a little below my current pay rate but with travel cut in half and the prospect of a bright future I was willing to do it and said yes. Then, literally a few days before I was to leave my job and start anew, Connecticut Innovations called. They were the “second” job I applied for.  I really thought the job was interesting but when they called I had already accepted another job. They weren’t giving up and presented me with a life changing piece of paper. I couldn’t say no to the salary, the benefits and all the perks that come with it. So I started in November. It’s been a bit slow to start with some technology things slowing it down but all in all I like the job, I love the benefits and I believe that this is the start of a great career for me.

 

There was some loss. Another gone to soon due to a motorcycle accident. He was an amazing father and husband and it shines through in everything his wife and children do. I am in awe of them every time I see them at how they are coping with losing the man in their life at such a young age. It really shows you how true love can overcome even when the physical bond is broken.  RIP Paul. 

We said goodbye to Andrew who put a never ending fight with cancer and wasn’t going down easy. He lived and loved and his family was there with him in his final moments. I didn’t know Andrew well but I know his brother and it was touching to see how that family just rallied around their brother, their son, their uncle to make sure he was never alone and was able to stay in the home he loved so much til the end. Keith now possesses the “man cave” which meant a lot to Andrew and I know that it means as much to Keith as did him.   

ROCK ON RON.  Ron K. was someone I knew way back in the days of my illustrious career at Edwards Food Warehouse when I was a kid. He was always a great guy with a dark sense of humor and a love for music, a passion for music and the boy could shred. When Facebook came to be we reconnected and would chat quite a bit because he was always “lurking” at odd hours of the day and night and I would be on his same schedule it seemed. Ron battled with the loss of his leg due to an infection and would have taken any average person out of the game for good didn’t stop Ron. He fought and fought hard and came back. He even got to play again with his band it seemed like things were really looking up. When he started not feeling so great he played it off with many of us just saying it was some complications but he would be back at it. Sadly, he had aggressive cancer that came on hard and fast and took his life.  I don’t know why he won the fight of one illness only to be taken by another, but I don’t dwell on it. He lived, loved and impacted us all and he will never be forgot especially when we see a sexy red head which was his weakness.

 

Eddie oh Eddie. A smile and laugh that could light up a room. Such a gentleman. Always looking for love and giving all he had to his children. Eddie was just a good guy to know and be around.  When I heard of his passing and that is was complications due to a surgery that was supposed to improve his quality of life I was struck by the irony. I will never understand why someone is taken so soon for what seems like a senseless reason but we must move forward and remember.

 

Loss of a friendship or a friendship that transforms into something different than what it once was is hard but I have learned to accept it. I have been down this road before and I am optimistic that in time everyone finds their place in your life and it is what is best for everyone. I will never forget the good times, the talks, the tears, the laughs and all that she has done for me. It’s what keeps the door open to the future that although it can never be what it was it can certainly be something new and healthy for us both.

 

Love was definitely in the air in 2013 and I couldn’t be happier for all those that found new loves or reconnected with old ones. There were weddings galore and I was happy to attend many of them.

 

40 . I turned 40 this year. I had a wonderful party to celebrate the milestone with the ones I love and it was a great day and will stay with me for years to come. Being 40 has been a little weird because I have had some physical ailments just seemingly pop up out of nowhere, but I do believe my 40 year old mind appreciates more, loves more and is more understanding than that of my 25 year old former self.

 

So that was 2013 for me. Filled with lots of fun, tears but most of all memories. I wish you and yours many memories to fill your heads and sweeten your dreams in 2014. Never wait to tell someone you love them, don’t put off something you truly want til the right time because that time will never come.  We go around once or at least we only remember it once so LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE.

 

♥